Being screwed

If I'm going to be screwed,

Bring on being screwed!

I'm going to be the hottest,

Fastest,

Most motivated 

Screwed person out there!

And I'll f****** win the being screwed game!

Dear Gut

Dear gut,

What are your feelings?

Gut: soon,

Me: soon?!

Gut: soon.

Me: Okay we'll play songs that signify changes are about to happen.

~Me

I know it's irrational dear

But let's tuck this side in here

Hide this cord

Button this up

Take this out

Put this aside

Smile

And move on

You forgot something sir

Have you ever met someone

You just wanted to rip your heart out 
And hand it to them
Shout
Here!
It's obviously yours!
So take it with you when either of us goes 
The security cameras have been turned off,
The guard sent home.
Please take your stolen goods
And leave my store with what's rightfully yours.

It was priceless to me, by the way

But useless inside me beating in two.

Move

Move

No 

I'd rather

 Be shushed 

Sleeping inside this whisper of

A useless melody

That will take me to h#$&

In my own arms 

With my ability to withstand this

Clinging to the desire to Continue 

because I "love him"

My head wasn't listening, my heart too broken to process but my soul was all ears.

Him

Your love was like a heavy knife stuck in my heart that could not be pulled out without the help of another. I fear bleeding to death but here I stand. But not because of anything I did.

We do this right

Or we don't do this at all

To the depths of hell you'll take me!

If I continue to see this as okay

The way I feel 

The way I'm acting

The way I'm being

Inside my head matters

As much as what my very hands are up to

And you're closer than ever

to not being inside the four walled confines of this mind

And I'm okay with that!

(I never thought I'd say 'I'm okay with that!' But here I am! Here I am!)

Because it's whats for the best for all involved!
And that

And that

And that 

my friend

Makes whatever pain I have to endure

worth it.

Maybe that's why I've always had to be on fire

In my defense

I've been going at this

With no help

There was literally no way

I've done the best I can

With the few bones that were given

I only wanted the best for everyone

Even now I'm thinking this is a trick

A ploy of Satan to get me to think the hand of my own destruction

Is the slide of hand 

Of my own hand, 

not at least partially his

When I know full well all I wanted was for good

For love

For peace

amidst everything that I couldn't deal with

and face,

Truly couldn't face or see. 

That I was doing all this, not to be a burden!

(And i did a pretty good job!)

It's almost as if everyone begrudgingly goes to me

Because they know, (they know!) the one chick always on fire

Will listen to you with all ears

When they're on fire.

Maybe that's why I've always had to be on fire 

"Did I just hear her say that the devil is my skill set?"

its comforting to know that I'm not the only one 

who vomits their soul

on paper

on the internet

in a rhyme

in a poem

in a prose

in a story

in a picture

in a painting

I'm here!

Lets make this happen

Let me regurgitate first

Then I'll be fine 

I know I can make it now!
Now that crap in 

Is crap out

Better out than in

And i say no

Logic catches up to me then,

crouching,

puts the palms of it's hands

On the knees of my soul,

looks directly into my eyes, for understanding,

says;

"You can stop this any time you want, you know?"

I look away,
think of him,

Really think of him,

and empathically say "No!"

Because at my core, I'm positive, positive, this will

and won't work out

when the blanket that is him

Covers me entirely

Without my ability to shrug off

Any of this,

Just yet.

Yank

I tried to yank you out

but your fleshy teeth stuck in too quick

I saw you get down on all fours to dig in!

But I continued to yank, yank and yank

You continued to fix in 

to bite in 

claw in,

And the harder I pulled

The harder you fought!

The more exhausted I got

Tears cascaded down

Enough to power a town if da@#$!

Because I experienced the void you would leave!

Then, all of a sudden, 

I just sat there,

exhausted.

For that moment I had peace in defeat!

Blessed peace!

Finally

I'm still done with you, a parasite that has clearly attached to several vital organs,

like an enemy general recruiting from my own ranks!
But I've woken form the sleep of the da@#$

and I'm okay.

and best of all,

I know I'll be okay

and I'm ready to revisit this battle.

Being

And i remember all of it!

I remember all of it!

How awful it is human memory!

you come back to me time and again

I see you in the car

on the freeway

on our way to that art show

the one for my sister

i see you driving

i see me looking on

just trying to survive

all so complicated

nothings much has changed

so many charged emotions

wafting off out of me into oblivion

without my or your knowledge as to how to keep them inside my borders

wondering beyond wondering if this is just life

if this is just normal

seeing you not see me

seeing me not see you

and coexisting inside a simple memory, like so many like it, i relive over and over and over again

(Because at least I can see you. See you there from here how I see you now)

that nothing happened at all in

just us siting there

being

The biggest unrequited love in my life was never him. It was God.

Right now

Dead inside, how are you?

Trying at least

staying here

Trying to feel something

Tired.

Noticing you noticing.

Sorry you have to see it.

Want something more myself, yes.

Wishing I could just 'shrug it all off' too

Wanting to move forward with more energy, too.

Pretty sure 'wishing it were so' isn't how it happens.

Trying at least.

Moving forward at least.

Breathing in and out at least.

By the way, the breathing s*** got harder.

Mostly just standing around with dead eyes

Hoping so much you're just happy without me right now.

Just all by yourself, you know?

Because that's what I need most of you right now.

Until I get back to me. 

A moment I'm not sequenced into a series of comfortability?

70th and Alexander

 That afternoon, she slipped into the wood paneled, two story bar off of 70th and Alexander, full of despair. He was the entertainment, at the center back of the bar and like others days he played,  he drummed his guitar while simultaneously singing . She looked left and right, causally wondering about other band members as their eyes swept over and through each other.  Souring from her most recent lover's quarrel, she barely noticed him, that first time, needing a drink (later thinking, how could she not have seen him!) 

The subtlety of text

Is the only truth we have

I don't rightfully know

I don't rightfully know what this is that I have to let now flow over me

That I have to let flow through me

as so much river water

too cold or hot

to let pass down parched lips

Without distress

in the midst of this pitiful April rain,

without you

(low see en toe what a pitiful poem.)

a book would not do justice to what I want to say to you.

leprechauns

We have a plant in the sink

Vietnam on our mind

Dog'd whining because we both have heart issues

then the dishes need to be done

move the plant

wash the floors

Investigate GDP

go against our poverty ridden mothers

take a sip of the cool aide 

and walk down cloud nine

for a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow

because we BOTH see leprechauns are about now

Him (Edit: It wasn't all the news, though)

I stopped watching the news

I stopped watching the news, so I wouldn't be triggered.

I stopped watching the news.

I stopped doing a lot of the things that built my morning routine after the let down of that last job,

The one that last made me forget who I am.

I stopped watching the news because I thought that was real good step in the right direction after the 'mini stroke' that led me down so many wrong directions.

I stopped a portion of my daily morning routine because I thought it would heal me!

Nope.

I thought it would be the right step in the right direction.

Who knew how disengaged from the community, the way of thinking that was proper, politically correct and kosher I would become?

So unlike the venues my mind starting wondering down because it could.

I forgot once again  who I was.
That I followed the Romans norms, even though I didn't agree with some, if not a (depending) majority of them.

I still did as the Romans did, when I was in Rome.

I f%^&*** hate myself now.

Because just because I could, didn't mean I can!

Even if I've done nothing regrettable,

I need to be the person a person like me can trust!!!!!!!

Without the furls of "this and that"

I simply need to be

"Down this way miam: is peace, please allow me to help/be a light, however I can show you that you too can follow him."

l'ordinateur

i feel you demon box

siting on my chest

opening my heart

looking inside

rooting around

asking questions that appear on your screen

I feel you demon box

Probing into my utmost

looking for names

looting for stories

looking for connections

that i provide

that i give

That I input

I see you demon  box

doing what can only be refereed to generally 

and specifically

as contact tracing

And yet my fingers fly

Because I love him

Because I want him

Because i'm lonely

Because he's not here

Because he's never been here

Because I will always be without him

Until I literally give up the ghost he has and always will be forever more

So I see you demon box

Working your demon ways

Into my mind first and my soul next, rooting around

and ONLY LOOKING AND CARING FOR WHAT YOU WANT AND THAT WHICH PUSHES YOUR AGENDA
just as I do 

I feel like everyone could say this

I keep preparing for these eventualities

Not addressing these actualities

And the in between is killing me

When the present is so confusing

As the past continues to haunt

And they're pressing in their souls now!

And is it any surprise I just want out?

And you want to tag them down like they're Jesus

Why are you so concerned at getting better for them?

As if you're not entangled with you the second you step and leave their premise.

It's you who needs to get better for F#$%*$* you,

Not them

They cease to be a thing the second they leave any room

And what bills have they paid?

What breaths have they taken for you?

What laws have they undone?

What hands have they held?

What thoughts have they withstood for you?

In your place

at the time that you needed

Some F#$%*$* withholding?

No,

They come in.

They say things.

They leave.

Barely any of them do a thing for you whatsoever,

And you want to tag them down like they're Jesus.

A glorious bag of Cheetos

It was a glorious bag of Cheetos,

It was pure sugar for sure,

Something to add,

Not subtract,

From the 30 lbs

I had yet to loose,

but it was a glorious bag of Cheetos,

All we needed, really 

After failing to get

where we needed

After failing in general

It was a glorious bag of Cheetos

That was consumed in indecent amounts in between folds of

Who cared most for each other

A plunge and flight

Do birds in learning and in flying on a daily basis at some point think about that flight is acceptance of the ability in/and possibility of plunging to their own death? Because it's there. A plunge and then a wind taking their wings and their bodily mechanics taking over. But there is a plunge.A plunge that would give a human being death. Or do birds just accept this and fly anyways? All this being irrational, of course. Birds are driven and operate 1000% by innate instinct and don't really think as we think. But the crust of it's there. Their ability to fly on a daily basis is based on their ability to accept the possibility of death.

What really fascinates me is there it is, physically before my eye-- now that it's spring, everyday I watch them take off from this huge tree right outside my window. There is a plunge! There's always a plunge. There's something in that plunge. There's something in that plunge that is both magical, graceful, spiritual and altogether... fascinating. Because there is always a plunge and then flight. A plunge and flight.

All the energy, everything in the universe does not go wasted

My 7th grade science teacher said everything in the universe, all the energy, everything in the universe does not go wasted. All the energy in the universe is consumed, used, spent, dissipated, evaporated, melted, washed away, becomes a liquid gas or solid and does not expire, disappear or leave. All of it stays. And then some dip sh** had to go and say something immature to the magic he just explained "Even farts?!" And he said "Especially farts!" Or something like that. But it doesn't go away. I just keep going on and on about that lately and i just don't know why.

 I may mean nothing  to you, but I mean a lot to me

Blocked

Dogs: 

This side's blocked. But this side, is my new favorite way of entering your room. Even though the other side of your room is completely accessible--like I said, this is my new favorite way of entering your room. 

SOOO... if you'd please take the many hints I've given, such as approaching the blocked side while whining and looking your way, (all in front of said blocked area,) and PLEASE unblock it, I'll reward you by using the side that wasn't blocked to begin with, anyways.

There's a problem

There's a problem when you start treating people like they're numbers, instead of people. They start to do what numbers do best, they start adding and SUBTRACTING.

He focused on what mattered

It was as though he was above the food, floating, (TRULY FLOATING!) entertaining hosts of his soul, instead of hosts of his job. That's what I liked most about him, his ability to continuously, float above the fray of the bull S*** of all this. He focused on what really mattered.

What I wrote in my jounral at the start of this job

I can't - You have though
It's not possible- Can others do the same thing?

It's not sustainable - Have you tried hard enough?

It will always be like this - Has anything 'always been like this'?

I want more - What have you done for yourself?

I can't move - Move!

It's too hard - What have you tried to get done?

I don't want to - Do you have a choice?

You get what you give and if you give two f$%*# ' s, WELL....

Note to self (Paraphrasing a person who saved my life)

 Who THE H*** told you not to take care yourself?! 

Goldie Lox

I'm walking inside this strangers life

Wearing her clothes

Eating her food

Sleeping in this strangers house

On their bed

With their five blankets

Thinking them a Goldie lox

Whenever I'm asleep in their house

As it's either too hot 

Or too cold

(And lately, just so, as if to mimic the spirit of current circumstance, never just right)

Buying things with her money

Using her pens

(This stranger has some nice art supplies,)

Which I've used out of their bin by saying to myself

"Thank you whoever you are for such excellent taste"

And I inspect this strangers thoughts

I inspect them thoroughly for...

HOPE

For PEACE

For LIFE

I inspect this strangers life thoroughly so that I might live it to it's new purpose

WHICH IS FOR HAPPINESS PEACE HOPE LIFE LOVE AND KINDNESS

I inspect this strangers life to live this strangers life that I've been living because this stranger is in fact me

Because this stranger has collected many things for herself

Good neutral and bad

Cold warm and hot

Big small and medium

And all of them have thus far failed to make her happy

But there has to be a way and I just know there has to be a way

Because I'm here and she's here and we're here and we're together

and we're one and this is the place where it stared 

and the fat lady has not sung just yet

To have a moment for such a silly thing as peace

It seemed such the mission

Just last night

To stick to serious topics only

To say something... amazing

Earth shattering

effective

Victorious

Something that would conquer,

Yet what occurred were only overused words,fluff, trite things...

And we were so disappointed,

Both thinking it subconsciously not saying it aloud

Or at least just I thinking it at a time...

Until you said,

"Do you think these heart to hearts means anything at all?:

And just after I having thought it myself said,

(And really wanting to keep it positive,

upbeat,

not wasted in the least,) 

"I think these heart to hearts foster positive things, togetherness"

Something to that affect.

Until today

When the pain of the morning sparked just survival

Just to survive maybe...

And then the walk where I noticed such peace was enough to my eyes

When I spoke of such a trite thing to say as the setting sun, noticing then how your eyes shone

With the stupidest joke

To have a moment for such a silly thing as peace

Then I remembered her. and that silly cockroach I had to kill for her.

She was terrified of cockroaches more so than I've ever seen anyone on my life

and when the cockroach disappeared and she was afraid of it's very existence

And  I so proudly and confidently said "I'm sure it's gone for good!"

And when it came back.

Oh, when it came back though.

I knew it's death sentence was sealed.

It had to die

And did it die.

I crushed it.

Not even remembering how

But  with the fire of vengeance it was dead.

And today I remember how she so brilliantly, with the light in her eyes that she brought to world,

Repeated that story to anyone who entered that room that day over and over again

As if it was the most important thing next to clean water, love and life..

With the brightest smile

Something so small to be repeated so importantly 

When i was so Importantly trying to muddle through all my worries of that day

She found a story

And a laugh

And a few scares

And folded it up into a a small

So trite

So small

Silly, non conquering, unimportant, really, story,

But so full of peace

not triumph

but peace

That smiled

that day

emphasizing a silly thing called peace