You ever look at a picture and say
"That's not me."
Because the you that you thought would be captured by any working camera
Would capture a creatue so decrepidict......

You

All these spans of mininutes
You tell me now
You tell me I can't do that
You tell me I can't do that
You tell me I can do that,
Yes I can in fact do something
I just want to please you
And in effect
I want that pleasing to fill the void
The void we both know is there
The void no one speaks of
And yet so many do
And then they tell you to STFU
And in the end of the day,
In the end of your life
You realize compasssion was the real key
Maybe
when it was all maybes
And mixtures of compassion
with too many periodes of ureliable happiness
And annoyance/

Tocay

Quiet down you awful thoughts
You may be awful
You may be caught
A thousands legions
I have yet to walk
I think right into you
The one I fought.
Fuck all
Fuck some
The way it is
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN DONE
Leave me be
The only presnt I want
Fuck off now,
to say
to talk,
The way I am
is only
'Or so I've been taught'

I like coffee mugs with inspirational quotes.
that way when i fill it full of alcohol
I can believe that someday I won't be an alcoholic
The one I'm drinking out of now currently says 'aim high'
I sharpie marked out the 'a' later on
Now my cups don't lie
Later I got a mug that says 'i do what I want'
yup

Anyways

This is who I used to be
This is who I used to be
There she is!
In that place!
In that persons car!
In that store
In that pizza place
In that house
Smoking
Talking about how he just found out, it's not cancer,
 Stroking his chest
Wondering where this was all going,
Like everything else
Feeling in control
Sure
And I sit here,
Sitting here
Not being there
nowhere near the same
Hoping of something different
That same feeling
When all the feelings I have
Is that it's all slipping away
Anyways

Of Course

Of course I loved you
I don't often F* around
There was a reason for my attention
I didn't waste my energies, as you could see, with other men
I'm much too nervous, hateful and bitter for that
Of course I fell for those clear blue eyes
That tip into and out of you, that sang into you like you were in love, too
Of course I left you
Without so much as a word
Of course I've moved on
Sure
Still writing about you
Still thinking about you
Still listening to your songs
Still falling into the pattern of those blue eyes, duped were looking into mine
Of course I was fooled by the idea
Of distance and time
Healing the F* ton of anything

I'm good

I'm good
I do better than most,
Oh fuck yeah.
I'm the shits
I don't have that addiction
Or that addiction
Absolutely, positively under control
Who the fuck am I kidding?
I'm a complete mess.

It's all too much like a movie

It's all too much like a movie
'Here sits our protagonist, lost in thought, once again... losing in life'
Pacing,
Walking it off,
Drinking too much,
Taking that swig down way too fast
Thinking of the past,
Swiping their hand down their sweaty neck, in a methodical way.
Suddenly clearing their throats in an empty hall way, the sound reverberating off the walls,
A foreshasowing of a possible action scene?
But noting happens.
And we can only imagine the thoughts going through their heads
It's all too much like a movie.
The viewers contemplation over dialog free, monotonous daily living.
The protagonist crunching their feet over gravel,
Leaning thier fist on their forehead, eyes closed
It's all too much like a movie
When all of this, for me, doesn't lead anywhere at all

(RPITTBIHNF)= Random person I talk to because I don't have friends:

Me: I feel like I've spent half my life wasted on liking random boys, and the other half worrying about things that never happened.

(RPITTBIHNF): What are you prepared to do about all these 'conclusions'?

Me: I have no f****** clue.

(RPITTBIHNF): Well, good luck with that, moron.

Movie

But that's a movie you can cut.
Cut to wherever you want to put the sputtering music.
Cut to exactly where you want to put anything.
But this is real life.

Alcohol

The best thing about alcohol is it doesn't judge you.
It just sits there and asks "Hey, do you want to feel something close to nothing?"
And the answer is always unequivocally yes, each and every time.
And then suddenly everything is a good idea.
Want to take a picture of random hanging plant outside a pharmacy?
Snap that shot!
Want to cry in a grocery store?
Go for it!
Want to pass out in a random bench in front of a shitty restaurant?
Why not!
Alcohol provides companionship, comradery, and some times  a link to the past
Alcohol has been there for me when I have no one
It's the one thing that allows me to sit in a room of people
And feel something close to... not wanting them to just leave me be (alone)

Coup came in

Even so

Where is everyone else?
Even so
It feels like underwater
Just under the surface
The feeling of getting bigger and smaller exciting somehow no matter how much I don't understand it.
But when you've come up....
It's gone
Even when you're at that pond you've seen in your dreams
The one you can't describe
The words
The verse
Becoming shit in your head
Before they become shit
On paper

And worst of all that feeling you thought would be there
It's gone.
Where is everyone else?
They're ahead of you
Or so you're told
But
You look behind
the Green grass
The evergreens
They're the only thing that's truly gone
Never yours?
Never meant to be at least.

A white path
To a sacred place
For Peace
You'll find it there
Just wait
Just wait
Just hope for
Keep waiting
It's there
A white path
A scared space
What you've been waiting for
But you have to wait more

here

It collapse itself inside me, upon my request
But how I sit and wait for them
And suddenly I shout inside
"Do you remember the contested parking ticket?!"
There was a white gazebo in that small town
There were flowers that littered beside of the sidewalk
and hope...
And there was you.
There was you!
There was you!
There was you, were you holding my hand?
No, but you were talking to me
Talking to me about the contested parking ticket
So passively!
So passively!
Like people do who are related
As the world looks elsewhere
And maybe you were wearing your dark/light blue sweater vest
So often you wore
As I now wear the same clothes the same way
Regardless of the worlds view of "That's been worn this week already"
Okie dokie
And maybe you weren't
But I keep going back to the white gazebo
And this memory collapses inside me
Upon my request.
You won, you know, by just talking to the judge
With that look that said "Look fucker"
That same look that gets me in and out of trouble

Yeah, something like that

How to survive your thirties:

Step 1: Constantly remind yourself of your age, which affects every aspect of your life, no matter what anybody says.
Step 2: Get use to saying "Yeah. Okay. Totally, that's fine. No problem. No problem at all.
Step 3: Get a real job already.
Step 4: Try to get real friends. Try.
Step 5: Stop weeping over the mistakes you made in your twenties.
Step 6: Really, really, decide what is most important to you and just focus on that.
Step 7: Stop worrying, already, what the fuck everyone else thinks of anything to do with you.
Step 8: Just do it.

He

His eyes picked and pulled,
Grappled with curiosity.
He pried upon pages of books,
without a word touching my ears.

Dear who I hope maybe, somehow, through some miracle, maybe will read this because he still reads this

You always asked me two questions
Why do you drink
And do you love him
I drink because it brings my body back to what it was before my mothers death
For a brief moment in time I can finally run a mile
I can feel confident
I can feel like myself
I can feel that bicycler's muscles
I can feel that runner
I can feel that catcher
I can feel that girl inside me that once went out there
And actually did something
Other than mope
And get money for her workaholic lifestyle
And no I don't love him
Because love can't encompass
My deep belief
That this is likely not
Love
Because a person like me may never truly have a healthy defininition of love
But hell if I'm walking this earth without him by my side
Every second
Minute
State
New city
New apartment
New screwed up life we have to live because we're poor and screwed

There are things that humans are able to block out
They call them blind spots
It's not just our own noses
I've been watching my own TV for a year and a half now
Blocking out that smashed bug on the wall for that whole time
The one that I've been meaning to clean up each and every time I happen to notice it
Of all the things I've been meaning to happen to notice
From time to time
But now I'm thinking that's what we can do
When fully engrossed in any siting eating enjoying intoxicating moment
From ingestion or moving colors and lights on a screen
Fitting together to make not just the perfect movie
But that something... more
We block out that bit of the life we don't want to see
That is dirty and 'Wrong'
I ask
Is that what you do with me?

Fear

I feel like fear is such a hated emotion. I feel like it's not just our society saying we should be stronger, wiser, sharper, better, whatever. I feel like our society is pushing us away from fear. When fear is natural. Fear is wholesome. Fear is healthy. I feel like our society is pushing us towards this fear of fear when we learn too late that that's the wrong thing to do. And we drain our energies into trying to avoiding even the notion of fear in ourselves. When in fact, it's the moment that you realize that if you just let fear wash over you, completely engulf you and that there was nothing to fear after all, is when you live. To fear fear is what society tells us is the right thing to do and in the end it's what we tell ours selves, our internal selves, the selves that have to live with our selves when we take ourselves home that should be the first guide. Not the last guide. But that internal voice telling us "Maybe not" should be a start to the direction in which we point our decisions.

Mom

I realize now it's quite common to loose a mother. In fact nearly everyone looses a mother or father, or both in their lifetimes. Even much earlier than I did. But what I think most people don't realize is that I didn't just loose a mother, I lost a hero.