Rubies

Don’t you start to wonder?
Don’t you start to see?
Under all these layers
Someone has to be me
Diamonds, rubies, treasures
They come from far off lands
But nothing seems to heal me
I see that slide of hand
And don’t you try to comfort
When all you do is mock
You must have know all along,
I did not come to talk

(I have no idea if this is a duplicate post or not. And I'm totally not up to investigating at all LOL because I totally did the below last night. I like how she's like "WHOOP!" Don't need that anymore now, do we?)

How we relate to each other

I sat at the bar, I vowed not to go to
That I'd been to three times that weekend already,
I'd had too much to drink,
And could feel my heart pound under too many sulfates,
When He came over because I bought him a drink.
I thought of course he'd not sit quietly
He doesn't understand my relationship to money
(My desperate hope it'll be the thing that will allow me the privilege to be left alone.)
Of course he wouldn't just sit back and relax and enjoy what I bought him
Not when in guy world this means truce.
So he comes over there
And immediately comes too close.
I sit my bag on a chair
I desperately hope he doesn't sit on
And I lean back, wearily, like a dog whose tail's inching the back of their thighs,
Stiff as a board
And it hits me.
His silence, his inexplicant, expectant, very desperate silent look I take for full idiocy/borderline psychotic.
And as I looked at him, I saw, as though from a distance, my own reaction to him
And thought this is how we relate to one another
The same way he's seeing me, I'm seeing him
No matter how vastly our different opinions
He wants me to save him.
Or in the least make it alright
As I'm screaming inside my head F if I'll be your three minute fad!
So I go about giving in
Giving him a good night
We laugh
We roar
The sulfates strangle my heart
And he says _____ you're something else!
And I feel unique.
He asks me if he can walk me home
I politely, from some place I didn't know I kept sincerity towards men like him anymore
Say It's not far, "I know" he says
But accepts Because it's been an exceptional evening in his mind
All he really wanted.

Stand up man

I like you, ____
You're a stand up man.
You're calm when everyone else is an asshole
You stand beside me and say
___, calm the F down and do you work.
You're there when you don't have to be
You're inside my head and outside my mind
You play cards with my words
And make balloon animals with my emotions
So that I laugh at them
Instead of cry.
I know, I know, I know
There should be a better tribute to you than this
But let this be a place holder
For a time I can truly show you
How you've made this awful
Mess of  a hell
I've gotten my own self into
The biggest
Tiniest bit better
Than anyone else can during those eight hours

The god of letting go and not blaming yourself for everything

When you're not here,
I come out.
I hide in places, you can't see
So I don't distract you from your form
Because
Too often
I see through your eyes
I trip your motions
Before foot falls
I hate everything about you
But I still in your wake
And seep through your veins
Live inside your spleen
And Take up mass alongside you like a loyal servant to fetch water in the middle of the night
I will always be here
I will always beckon to your call
But when you're not here
I come out
I sing
I dance
I think for myself
I sit in a corner, alone
And I have finally learned from years and years of resentment
NOT to fear every moment you may return But to cherish every moment you are not actually here
Because when you're not here,
I come out
Oh I come out!
I sing!
I draw!
I'm me!
When you're not here,
I come out.
I can be me
Oh, I know I've said it
and write it over and over again
But the rejoice is in the spirit
Of letting you go
And not blaming myself for being your loyal servant
When I don't know how to be anything else, sometimes.
And I think in the end,
those who I've yet to thank say,
"Welcome back."

Absurd

It's hard to find someone who speaks absurdity, and I found you.
And I don't find you
Where are you to be found?
You said you'd go to Canada
Is that where you are?
With me waiting for that door to produce a boy.
Like my dog waiting for my hand to produce a treat.
You, we, speak absurd!
Out  of the hatred, we discarded (or earnestly tried,) from adversity, we speak absurd.
When so many chose hatred,
We just fight demons and speak absurd!
It's so hard to find someone who who speaks absurd.
And that time the door that produced a boy who can speak absurd
has passed.

Via

Dear life,

     I'm putting you on hold for just a while.

Sign human
~Sent via dark bar, bright lights, good karaoke

Dear Human,

    Good f'ing luck.

Sign Life
~Sent via a mans' couch you made out with that night

Dear Life,

     F you!

Sign Human
~Sent via path of least resistance, weeping, in corner, near bed

Dear Human,

     Please do what you can to change from what you've just woken up to.

Sign Life
~Sent via acceptance.

Dear Life,

     Okay.

Sign Human
~Via he never even called.

Pasta

You know it's not all it's meant to be
Said the one girl to the next
She stood up
Brushed herself off
Pulled down on her flannel tee
Made faces with the clouds
And glared at the other
As she clearly and loudly spoke
"I just want some satisfaction"
What do you want?
What do you want?
This is only a circus
This is only a stage
Where all the words are clearly imprinted
No psychics need to be here
We all know what we're thinking
But with all this being said
Then how in the end am I to have said
How was I to know what this would be?

I don't remember your name

I've seen that look before.
They come over,
They say your name,
You see, they've been watching your eyes
They've spoken with your eyes in their mind
They see them as kind
They make their mental assessments that you're it!
You're what they were looking for in their leisure hours
You, you, you
The you that will save them
The you that will tuck them into your arms, sail away to some fantasy land with dragons and unicorns and maybe a princess.
Then you talk.
And you say something quite ordinary
And you see it
That look in their eyes
A shift
A telling
A walking away
Maybe they've walked away
The bothering of you...
Obviously,
With all the strength it took them to come over,
Was wasted energy,
Because no, you can't save them.
Not when you came to save yourself.

i aint dumb

Of course you can say "I am dumb" to anything. And everything. And still be fine and actually overtly intelligent.
In affect, you've made yourself dumb, not actually stating fact, more so lessening the burden of your actions. You're not actually stating a factual account of your intelligence and abilities but agreeing with your own low estimate of your accomplishments.
Your intelligence will be clearly evident to any observer, lying will only lower their estimate of you, regardless of whether or not your own estimate of yourself is low due to others actions, not devious intentions.
You can say you're dumb to anything. You can say you're dumb to evade responsibility. To avoid a socially uncomfortably encounter, to lessen a social responsibility. You can say you're dumb simply to be left alone.
Or you could say you're dumb because your financial objections in life do not add up to meet your fantasy occupation, when you're forced to chose a less mentally taxing profession. It's easier to say you're dumb if, on paper, you in fact look so. When really you weren't given the opportunities or your mindset did not allow for you to maneuver further in life.
You're not dumb, your situation is dumb. Those who would judge you solely on the credentials on paper are dumb, the general world view, without further analysis is dumb, never, for an instance say "I'm dumb" unless, in fact, you are verifiably dumb. Then don't have a bad attitude.

Show me your sass

Remember when you worked for that company and did that Sh**?
Yeah.
Well it's just like that, so keep at it.
Okay.
He was sweet.
And married with two kids, eh?
Yeah.
Stay focused.
But sex...
Can wait, huh?
(Pout)
Okay.

(Something much better to go here soon.............. loud noises go home! F'ing neighbors, so what if I want to listen to Rhianna's stay, on infinite loop, for the next three days?!!!!!!!!!!!)

Pale road

I want to be with simple folk
Because I'd like to think I'm simple folk
Drinking
And talking about jobs and loss and clothes and sex
Forget existentialism
Listen to the road as my wheels run over too many cracks
too many bumps
Too pale a concrete
For too many hills
to too much grass
and shattered windows
With sagging roofs
and aged exteriors
Along the same street that has all the identical sagged roofs, aged exteriors and shattered windows
Why not adapt?

Whole

Sometimes I take solace in the f9 key
Sometimes I simply look away
A lot of times I just cry
Sometimes I cruse fate
I look at my neighbors and see that they have it better than me
Me and my lonely self
Sometimes I just throw things
All those nice glasses against white walls that now have weird green smudges on them I have to explain away to the landlord someday.
A lot times I just sit here and stew
Try to sleep
Try to watch a movie
Read  a book
Anything to get my mind off my pain and my imcompletness
But not one time have I found the answer
Not one time have I found you
That person who could make it all go away forever
That thing that cold make me not have to consider what solace I have to take in what object, food, drink, pill, moment, animal or person next.
Not one time have I said "I've got it!"
"That's it!"
"This will make me feel whole, nice, comfortable, calm, rational, excited, nice, gentle or happy permanently!"
Not one time have any of these fixes done anything but that, fix.
And then maybe fix
and then they don't...

Human

I am human.
I'm really hoping this problem will correct itself
without my effort.
I am human.
I become easily irrational at things I did,
Things that are beyond my control,
Things that I could change,
If I tried harder, etc.
I am human.
I can use things, other than their intended purposes,
to gain emotional benefits,
which will ultimately harm my body.
I am human.
I didn't mean for this to happen,
To occur,
To take place.
I know I could have done something.
But somewhere,
Somehow,
I am sure,
I am positive,
This was someone
Else's fault.
    
                    -Human

Under an overpass

The roads are empty
There was scream by a girl
There is a time and a place
and this isn't one of them
I see the streets are empty
Are you coming
Because this is too far from anywhere
you would be
Please tell me you are coming
Of all the nights and days
You've been on my mind
I'd think one of them would conjure
you instinctively
But no.
Are you coming?
Because the streets have more fairway now
And I think it might be safer to go out
I love you by the way
Even if you're not here.

Lets be strangers

I don't have to say anything. I could just be here sitting in your mind, undisturbed. Unrelated to anything. Because the minute I open my mouth, I become something. I become a truth. If I don't say anything at all, I remain a mystery. I the less I say, the better.
If I don't say anything, I will be one less person who will make you mad, make you sad. I will sit inside your head and it will be as though we met on a train, a bus. Something transitory. Something not.
If I say nothing at all, we will be alright. We will just be here and be and be nothing at all. And will be that thing they always ask us to be, a still nothing on a cool breeze, on a sunny day with nothing but a hug between two people.

On not giving up

I was asked during an interview once what type of customer got to me. If there were any particular customer that really got to me. And for some reaon that question really got to me. I mean, I've been asked what colleagues get to me but never what customer.
So I figured it out. It's those customers that let their lives get away from them. And they're nearly gone. Nearly dead. It's those customers that gave up a long time a go, let their lives get away from them.

Something happy

Her eyes tracked from right to left as though she were watching someone dancing. It was just her thoughts punching like fists into her skull until she saw colors and flashes of light bathing her vision in confusion. She became aware that he was waiting and tried to mentally rush the colors out of her cheeks. Taking some breathes to compose herself, she finally met his eyes. The address that he wrote upon her hand was quickly looked at. The q and r was hardily recognized by the smugly black ink that ran like tears between her love and life line. How ironic, she thought.
She moved to get up but he stopped her with a tender touch to her inner elbow and place of two fingers to his lips. She kept her stare in his eyes and moved no further towards the door.

You take advantage, sir

You take advantage, sir.
You leak traces
Every morning I think of you
If you want a kiss, a caress, a romp in the hay,
a talk or a message, a twinkle of the eye,
a smile, a hug or a simple look from me.
I don't know what to do with myself, sir.
For I came to you to fix myself, sir.
Not the other way around.
And you took advantage, sir.
You took my hugs, my kiss, my caress,
message, smile, romp in the hay
and look!
And then left.
You took advantage, sir.

Drunk

Why face complete mental arrest with sad formalities? Twitches of faces, gestures of hands, stance of relationships and who f***s f***s who? The edge of the screen is all we have and sense is what it cost. Is it democracy or complicacy? Is it right or justice? Is conspiracy the acts of justice the only channel we have or ever had in history had left as a right and a stance and control as human begins?
Who controls the seat of the government? The puny bystanders or the government that buys and is bought it's way through crap and money and power for it's next thirty-four dollar and seventy eight cent wine?

Of not being him

It's the problem of not being him
Over and over again
It's the problem of not being him
His eyes
His small back
His thighs,
I never looked at
His eyes I now know are green
It's the problem of not being him that you pick up on
You will never be him
You aren't him
And I'm not with him.
So I don't fully feel like me.
And I sometimes doubt he fully feels like him
But you sir, sir, sir
You Are not him

Try My Best to be Sober

You walk in
And they lay a coaster in front of you
No judging words
No entry fees
No preliminary exam
That would bar you from entry
They lay a coaster in front of you
You look around
To see who may be there
Who may not
Whose new
How old they are
You make your own judgements
They give you a drink
That makes you feel something
And you begin talking eventually
And on a good evening, laughing
On excellent, exchanging phone numbers
You're under no obligation to answer or call
In every way this experience evokes the absence of  judgement,
Rules, agenda, requirements, the complete opposite of work.
And I'm suppose to be a good little citizen and try my best to be sober?

You of all, I miss.

I think the biggest thing you did was treat me like a human being. Not a thing to be processed. Not a customer. Not an information vessel. Not a thing to just get through for a payment on your car, your house or any purchase you wanted to buy. You treated me like a human being full of oxygen, full of blood, full of tissues and bone. Instead of roles such employee, customer, thing. I was thoughts, emotions, words from lips, and skin moving around according to feeling. Being treated like that is a thing to be cherished. Because it's rare. It comes by maybe once per decade. To be treated with honest respect, honest sincerity, honest kindness. And you were human with me. You showed, at times, exasperation, happiness, laughter, sadness, insight and unromantic love. Nothing can replace what you were to me in my life now and forever more. And I miss you. You of all, I miss.

Demons

I open the door
and I tell them,
You can finally come in
It's not as though you scare me anymore
It's all clean in here
Just like you like it
With shit everywhere,
It's not as though we can afford a vacuum cleaner
You can howl, you can scrape, you can moan
It's like I said come in no
No one's home but me
All your other buddies have been invited long since

Please Don't Tell Anyone I Came Here

I have to drink water before alcohol now
I drink far too much
I have a dog named ____
Sorry no names
Even for her
I do walk her at least a mile each day.
I watch lost
I love my husband now
He's great!
I work for him
I'm drunk now
I'm not sure when someone will come and save me
I'd rather be homeless
(Because I want to have the strength to do it myself)
I'd rather drink my life away
Like the man who was found in the park and was offered
help by his niece
He said
"No! Leave me here! I like this way of living!"
That is when I realized there were many ways of living.
I think I can write now
If I just imagine I'm writing to you
Will that work for you, ___
No names, remember?
No names
I don't have one
That's certainly true
My husband is making instant noodles
We use to have some of the same kind in Hawaii
I'm going to beg some off of him

I hear the bubbles

That was a very good question to ask
What are you doing to take care of yourself?
Nothing
Besides standing in the middle of my heart
Wondering What I do after I took all the paintings down that made it and me, me.