I love you

By the way I saw a dream. It was mine I think. It was a desert somewhere with a world saving women like always. I saw you in many dreams. How delicious those dreams were, too far appart from one another. I loved you, I love you and I loved you again. I don't know where all this is headed except to say I hope the best for you until this feeling that tells me we'll meet again manifested itself into a smile and some exchanges words of some kind that will warm the walls of this awfully cold chest you left behind.
I love you like the love I have for being a ballerina. Unreachable. Untouchable and unrealistic. But I love you, did I ever tell you? No, I never did and I close that arrogance so close to my heart it edges out in spears the size of rose thorns cutting into the reality I realize this morning meant nothing! Take the strings! Take the pride! Take the good task and toss it to a good doer who means more to the world than I did! Take that good deed and shove it some place it will grow and maintain wealth and privilege and respect. Oh the respect it would garner! The respect it will yield! Oh, yes, when I am dead and gone I will thank the heavens I kept  my secret safe and took the easy way out (which it really is besides righteousness.)
I LOVE YOU!

There will be something here soon

I can't confirm how drunk I was when I wrote the following, I'm sorry.

This isn't working out
This isn't me
I see all there is to see
And it lead you to me
The desert stream
the Shangri la,
The atmosphere
Across the sea of awful
I take three
To see his face
To see his fee
You know it and I know you
You take the fools path each time
And that is how you met me.

What should I look for?

What do I look for? The glazed look in their eye? The tilt of their nose? Thin lips? A mischievous glint to the eye? What must I look for to confirm you're no good for me? Why should I care? Do I know you? Do I care? Why am  I obsessed when we don't even share a word? Am I the one? Do I have thin lips, a glint in my eyes and a glazed expression? I don't understand any of this and can't get it all out of my head just the same. Because I can't distinguish anymore. I can't do this. I can't color code the world into categories of alright and not alright when I'm begging just to be color blind! And I'm far from it no matter how much in between I am myself through it all.
 

For my mom, I love you.

I miss you. I feel you watching over me. You'll never know how much I miss you.

I've done somethine wrong

But I still have my marriage. I tried to look for the perfect man. I tried to get happier. I tried so hard, so long, devoted so much of my energy to finding this elusive creature. I tired myself out. I cried. I wept. I left any man in the lurch not resembling the perfect combination of attributes I was looking for.

And when I truly believed I found him, twice, he did not want me. He was content on his own. I loved him for that brief period of my time. Then, in the aftermath of rejection and failure, I became desperate. I  started clinging to anything. No matter how unnatural their behavior to mine. No matter what, I clung. I stayed. I tried to make it work. And got hurt from incompatibility. And the world would judge me for what I did in the interim. But the world has nothing on what I have in store for my own self deprecating each day. And I judge the world in turn. But I should hope no more. For what I've done, for what I did, I want to put it in the past. I have to move forward. I have to gain my objectives. I have to fight for what will push me forward, for myself. And no one could have told that story to me better than the turmoil brought from the search for a  good man.

He

He judges me full heatedly for my drinking. My little black bubbles just won't do it for him. I don't blame him. So I try hard to push out words from his lips to please my self confidence. I push out tiny smiles form my heart, like trying to poke out goose feathers from a down comforter. Slowly at first, then fast as full tugs of anticipation are pulled out.
 I feel him. I know him. I touch the essence of him in the middle of the night when he's not looking or thinking of me. And I think of him.The platonic nature of our relationship and I understand how very much this is meant to be. It's okay.

I F'd up

I didn't love him. I didn't even particularly feel attracted to him. His name was ____ and he was a part of the armed services. I felt like I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t even do anything but tip toe around him. Even asking him to turn up the heat seemed the extremity I didn't want him to go through just for me. He had tattoo’s. I traced them with my fingers. I kissed his lips. But first I kissed his nose and that started a cascade of emotions and feelings and physical reactions I couldn’t stop. I should have stopped it. He gave me every out. He was a gentlemen in every way. I don't know where I'm at now. I can't stop thinking about him. I know I shouldn't put this out to the world. I know it's dumb. But I have. Because he meant I don't know what to do. I can't stop this and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.