So they get soft footing?
They get security?
They get rights?
They get medical attention when needed?
They get food?
Shelter?
Clothing?
Life itself?
And what of US?
Nothing!
Droppings!
We get mold ceilings we hope will not cave in once more.
We get barley paid rent
Jobs held onto by threads
Of our what they think to be misguided decency
So we sit!
We think!
We watch!
We knoow
OH WE KNOW!
And they get soft footing
They get meals
Knowing,
KNOWING
The next one will always come.
So they get soft footing.
12/18/2018
12/06/2018
Her
All the piddering and all the paddering doesn't do a world of good.
Not when it's all the same.
All the images remain on the screen to comfort and sooth me
and I move onto the next when that one dosen't quite
affect the emotion I was looking for
No,
All the Pidderinga anda all the Paddering
Does not quite do the same
As when you were alive
And I was just a petulant teen
Sitting in a car
Waiting to do our beach laundry
Disgrntful to be sitting next to a being
So distasteful
As ones mother
OH!
Yes!
She can be so bad!
But the world?
What of the world can hold you?
Can send you with warmth?
The world that will KILL YOU
For your beliefs.
The world where you're scared
To SAY A WORD,
No,
But a mother,
Yes,
She is wrong,
She is unjust,
She is the one you should hate.
YES
And all this laid before you feel
Before knowing and understanding
And yes then she is gone.
But yes.
Look at your fing window.
And hate her.
Yes.
Hate her
Not when it's all the same.
All the images remain on the screen to comfort and sooth me
and I move onto the next when that one dosen't quite
affect the emotion I was looking for
No,
All the Pidderinga anda all the Paddering
Does not quite do the same
As when you were alive
And I was just a petulant teen
Sitting in a car
Waiting to do our beach laundry
Disgrntful to be sitting next to a being
So distasteful
As ones mother
OH!
Yes!
She can be so bad!
But the world?
What of the world can hold you?
Can send you with warmth?
The world that will KILL YOU
For your beliefs.
The world where you're scared
To SAY A WORD,
No,
But a mother,
Yes,
She is wrong,
She is unjust,
She is the one you should hate.
YES
And all this laid before you feel
Before knowing and understanding
And yes then she is gone.
But yes.
Look at your fing window.
And hate her.
Yes.
Hate her
11/22/2018
No, this is not it either
All their faces pushed in on you.
Maybe that's what is what feeling life is all about.
Feeling indignation.
Feeling wronged
Feeling pain.
Feeling betrayal
Feeling love and hatred in the same sentence of loss and lust
Feeling a way out and not taking it
Screaming at 3 am walking around wanting nothing more for it
to go away on it's own accord
Not sitting pretty
Empty inside
Provided for
Left alone
Undisturbed.
No, this is not it either
Maybe that's what is what feeling life is all about.
Feeling indignation.
Feeling wronged
Feeling pain.
Feeling betrayal
Feeling love and hatred in the same sentence of loss and lust
Feeling a way out and not taking it
Screaming at 3 am walking around wanting nothing more for it
to go away on it's own accord
Not sitting pretty
Empty inside
Provided for
Left alone
Undisturbed.
No, this is not it either
10/03/2018
How to be me
1. Be a good alcoholic (Don't beat people up and wear pants.)
2. Be the perfect employee (see # 1 plus show up everyday on time and try to smile, try.)
3. Be the perfect spouse (Do what's worked in the past, be the cruise director of a drowning cruise ship, try every little thing the hood taught you about saving money and/or moving it around, wink, wink and don't hurt him in anyway shape or form, you love him most in all the world because he's the only one who has and will ever give a living F about you.)
4. Be a good neighbor (Basically see # 1 and #2 plus know when to know when to stand some ground. Or don't because you're actually a pretty good neighbor. You keep it quiet. Like all the time. It's exhausting people, you're welcome!)
5. Be a good sister (Hate her until you love her again.)
6. Be a good friend (Write letters back only to those who have actually been there to weather some f'd up storms.)
2. Be the perfect employee (see # 1 plus show up everyday on time and try to smile, try.)
3. Be the perfect spouse (Do what's worked in the past, be the cruise director of a drowning cruise ship, try every little thing the hood taught you about saving money and/or moving it around, wink, wink and don't hurt him in anyway shape or form, you love him most in all the world because he's the only one who has and will ever give a living F about you.)
4. Be a good neighbor (Basically see # 1 and #2 plus know when to know when to stand some ground. Or don't because you're actually a pretty good neighbor. You keep it quiet. Like all the time. It's exhausting people, you're welcome!)
5. Be a good sister (Hate her until you love her again.)
6. Be a good friend (Write letters back only to those who have actually been there to weather some f'd up storms.)
9/24/2018
This is simply nothing I was prepared for
I think the over arching theme here is 'now'
The idea of now in the least
I mean I'n by no means an even
Beginner surveyor of quantum physics
If this is what that is
But what it is is
Is the here
I am here.
The fact that I'm right here
I'm now
And this is now
And what the h do I do with the now
When no one is tormenting me?
It's as though it's easier to have the yelling
It's as though it's easier to have the yelling
To have the screaming
To have the struggle
The not knowing
The planning for the likely catastrophe
It's easier to have abuse
The fixing from one uneasy scenario to the next
Than to have a place of peace and ease
And unlikely demise
This is simply nothing I was prepared for.
9/12/2018
8/26/2018
Tonight
What do you want to do?
Keep drinking.
What are you going to do next?
Drink and look at pictures of him
What are you going to do tomorrow?
I don't know.
Hope I don't die.
Because I most certainly will go to hell.
('I love him' is the only answer I can give swiftly, and evenly to any judgement before me of my thoughts and state of mind.
And no, there is no pancetta.
And it will not help.
No, pancetta does not heal everything.)
Keep drinking.
What are you going to do next?
Drink and look at pictures of him
What are you going to do tomorrow?
I don't know.
Hope I don't die.
Because I most certainly will go to hell.
('I love him' is the only answer I can give swiftly, and evenly to any judgement before me of my thoughts and state of mind.
And no, there is no pancetta.
And it will not help.
No, pancetta does not heal everything.)
8/13/2018
Please, ___ go to a happier place
Please ____ go to a happier place.
A place that doesn't surprise you when you smile, for once
A place full of automatic paintings of wild flowers with watercolors
Where you can watch a movie in full without distractions
Not having to keep the same song on loop
Just because it's the only thing that made you feel, for the day
Please, ___ go to a happier place
Where you don't have to constantly think about words such as
Gas lighting
Anxiety
Pills
And
Self esteem
Where things just come automatic
Where things just come calmly
Peacefully
Without pain
Where things just come
And don't cut
They all love you
They all have troubles
Just like you
The difference is
Things are cutting into you
When like fog they could just flow past
That's what you want most
You just want a flow
A stance
A place
SOMETHING
You just want SOMETHING
AND THIS
This is not
that
Someting.
A place that doesn't surprise you when you smile, for once
A place full of automatic paintings of wild flowers with watercolors
Where you can watch a movie in full without distractions
Not having to keep the same song on loop
Just because it's the only thing that made you feel, for the day
Please, ___ go to a happier place
Where you don't have to constantly think about words such as
Gas lighting
Anxiety
Pills
And
Self esteem
Where things just come automatic
Where things just come calmly
Peacefully
Without pain
Where things just come
And don't cut
They all love you
They all have troubles
Just like you
The difference is
Things are cutting into you
When like fog they could just flow past
That's what you want most
You just want a flow
A stance
A place
SOMETHING
You just want SOMETHING
AND THIS
This is not
that
Someting.
7/31/2018
Memories and present
Me: I am going to continue to produce mediocre performance
Boss: We're going to continue producing your meager pay
Me: Agreed
Boss: Agreed
Me: You know I'll continue loosing your mail
Boss: We know.
Me: Al rightly then.
Boss: Alright.
Me: You definitely don't get me
Boss: That's for sure
Me: I'm sometimes sure you hate me.
Boss: We certainly sometimes do. By the way, that shirt sucks
Me: Anything for you.
Boss: We're going to hire someone with more experience
Me: I know I'm just not cut out to direct faxes, transfer calls and sort mail, I'm very sorry about that.
Boss: It never mattered what you think. And yes, that is a camera above your desk, we saw you picking your nose the other day. That was gross. Of all the things you could stop, please stop picking your nose. Thanks!
Me: I'll make a note of it you scum bags.
Boss: Are we through talking?
Me: I'm quite concerned you're a figment of my imagination
Boss: We're concerned you have figments of your imagination.
Boss: We're concerned you have figments of your imagination.
Me: Alrighty then.
Boss: We love you
Me: You make me sick.
Me: You make me sick.
6/30/2018
"I'm not touching you!"
Awww
non consensual (sort of, very sort of) spontaneous, sensuous eye contact by coworkers
Adults version of "I'm not touching you!"
"I'm not touching you!"
"I'm not touching you!"
Can't tell mommy....
non consensual (sort of, very sort of) spontaneous, sensuous eye contact by coworkers
Adults version of "I'm not touching you!"
"I'm not touching you!"
"I'm not touching you!"
Can't tell mommy....
6/28/2018
That's what I meant to say
They say you look at the hands of someone you love, first.
I noticed your small hands the second I met you
Sweeping down to an unannounced sweet crescendo
Mentioned to me shortly after you birthday that fall
I love you
I love you
I love you
That sweeping savior of feeling
Like transcendental emitted peace and happiness in one moment of eye contact
In the crowd of the dying
I noticed your small hands the second I met you
Sweeping down to an unannounced sweet crescendo
Mentioned to me shortly after you birthday that fall
I love you
I love you
I love you
That sweeping savior of feeling
Like transcendental emitted peace and happiness in one moment of eye contact
In the crowd of the dying
6/22/2018
I miss You ____ (Place I use to live)
I miss the indie channel
With all the strange international shows
That always ended up just being about sex and drugs
But with interestingly calming music and an intellectual air to it.
I miss trees,
I miss hills,
I miss moisture
Not snow
I don't like that kind of moisture
I miss friends
People I connected with
i miss happiness
With all the strange international shows
That always ended up just being about sex and drugs
But with interestingly calming music and an intellectual air to it.
I miss trees,
I miss hills,
I miss moisture
Not snow
I don't like that kind of moisture
I miss friends
People I connected with
i miss happiness
6/10/2018
Not the dog
You get to the point where you're very willing to point fingers at whose responsible for your deep, unsettling unhappiness.
is it the husband?
Is it the job?
Is it the lack of counter space?
Is it the look that one person gave me?
Is it the bad tasting wine?
The book I ruined by watching the movie?
Whose fault is it that I'm not where I rightfully should be?
Who the h does a women have to cuss out to get some happiness around here?
It sure as h is not the dog
is it the husband?
Is it the job?
Is it the lack of counter space?
Is it the look that one person gave me?
Is it the bad tasting wine?
The book I ruined by watching the movie?
Whose fault is it that I'm not where I rightfully should be?
Who the h does a women have to cuss out to get some happiness around here?
It sure as h is not the dog
6/06/2018
Cntrl F
What does time feel like?
A knife
A knife dragged accost your stomach your stomach at each moment of the day signifying for all you know the second of the minute you likely think you just wasted.
The minute you likely feel like you just wasted.
The minute you feel like you just wasted
Being with the wrong man
In the wrong job
in the wrong house
in the wrong body
But not with the wrong dog
No she's beautiful
Nothing wrong with her
But yes,
This minute
Is not infinite
and who did you waste it, on?
A knife
A knife dragged accost your stomach your stomach at each moment of the day signifying for all you know the second of the minute you likely think you just wasted.
The minute you likely feel like you just wasted.
The minute you feel like you just wasted
Being with the wrong man
In the wrong job
in the wrong house
in the wrong body
But not with the wrong dog
No she's beautiful
Nothing wrong with her
But yes,
This minute
Is not infinite
and who did you waste it, on?
Person I like
Why I am looking at a picture of _____ (famous news reporter) at 1:37 pm, in the afternoon, on a Wednesday, on my second glass of wine, after googling a past doctor in my life and listening to smash mouth?
Good questions!
Because I have tinnitus
Serverish chronic pain
(REOCCURRING NOW, Relapse, F what you want to call it, B word for emphasis, YES FOR Emphasis ) LOVE YOU NIGHTTIME NIGHTMARES ON THE ONLY DAY I GET OFF THIS WEEK, Truly FU SUBCONSCIOUS!
And depression. Don't forget that, mf.
There's a dog upstairs that desperately wants to learn tap dancing,
But only has three legs.
There's a women in here
WHO WANTS TO LEARN BALLET
But is fat
And (don't use and as the beginning of a sentence since it's a separator, not an opening, idiot) there's a man at a desk somewhere married to her who wants more than his MIDDLE CLASS Fing income
but I'm cool
So cool
SO COOL!
"How can I help you m'iam?"
PAPER OR PLASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charles Buckowski was my FAVORITE man! Yes! HIM!
GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT???????????
So I'll stop.
Because there's softer music coming on now
I have to start my new job tomorrow
DOING THE WORLD A FAVOR AND ALL PAYING TAXES CAUSING NO LAW BREAKING AND GOING TO work (No food stamps for me, sir, I'm good! I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!)
and I'll talk to you later, person I like.
Maybe I'll f*** that man who orders online groceries from Wal****.
Good questions!
Because I have tinnitus
Serverish chronic pain
(REOCCURRING NOW, Relapse, F what you want to call it, B word for emphasis, YES FOR Emphasis ) LOVE YOU NIGHTTIME NIGHTMARES ON THE ONLY DAY I GET OFF THIS WEEK, Truly FU SUBCONSCIOUS!
And depression. Don't forget that, mf.
There's a dog upstairs that desperately wants to learn tap dancing,
But only has three legs.
There's a women in here
WHO WANTS TO LEARN BALLET
But is fat
And (don't use and as the beginning of a sentence since it's a separator, not an opening, idiot) there's a man at a desk somewhere married to her who wants more than his MIDDLE CLASS Fing income
but I'm cool
So cool
SO COOL!
"How can I help you m'iam?"
PAPER OR PLASTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Charles Buckowski was my FAVORITE man! Yes! HIM!
GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT???????????
So I'll stop.
Because there's softer music coming on now
I have to start my new job tomorrow
DOING THE WORLD A FAVOR AND ALL PAYING TAXES CAUSING NO LAW BREAKING AND GOING TO work (No food stamps for me, sir, I'm good! I SAID GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR!)
and I'll talk to you later, person I like.
Maybe I'll f*** that man who orders online groceries from Wal****.
6/02/2018
What needs to be done
My name is ____ and I will do what needs to be done
Because I do what needs to be done
I do what other people "Most certainly will not!"
I will get done what needs to get done without hazmat gear
I will do what needs to get done without any courage
With streaming tears
Without encouragment
But at times,
I will do what needs to be done WITH bravery
With courage
With stick-to-idness
I will do what needs to be done with Sh### flowing over my shoes
I will deep unclog your nastiest toilet,
Clean that vomit,
Say hi to that one person you know who I'm talking about
I will do what needs to be done
Behind a counter,
On a phone,
In the middle of traffic
In front of your face,
Without thanks,
Or pay check
I will do what needs to done
Because my name is ____
And I honestly don't know how I lived this long
And would like to see how far I can take this
And I most importantly don't what to see you have to do
What needs to be done
Because you don't have to,
When you ___
Because I do what needs to be done
I do what other people "Most certainly will not!"
I will get done what needs to get done without hazmat gear
I will do what needs to get done without any courage
With streaming tears
Without encouragment
But at times,
I will do what needs to be done WITH bravery
With courage
With stick-to-idness
I will do what needs to be done with Sh### flowing over my shoes
I will deep unclog your nastiest toilet,
Clean that vomit,
Say hi to that one person you know who I'm talking about
I will do what needs to be done
Behind a counter,
On a phone,
In the middle of traffic
In front of your face,
Without thanks,
Or pay check
I will do what needs to done
Because my name is ____
And I honestly don't know how I lived this long
And would like to see how far I can take this
And I most importantly don't what to see you have to do
What needs to be done
Because you don't have to,
When you ___
4/25/2018
4/17/2018
Yes, I'm an idiot, dad
What killed me was that
In all that him calling me an idiot
For not handing him the right God d**** Philips screw driver
He neglected to appreciate
Him being able to
Ask his daughter
In his house
Next to his car
While being employed by his job
Through not being in any jail
For crimes he didn't commit
While being married to his Wife,
(My mother, still alive,)
He could legally f***
Any time he wanted to
He said I was an idiot
In his legal God d**** life
He could walk away from anytime he wanted to
If he was dissatisfied with
For WHATEVER reason
Yes.
I'm an idiot, dad.
In all that him calling me an idiot
For not handing him the right God d**** Philips screw driver
He neglected to appreciate
Him being able to
Ask his daughter
In his house
Next to his car
While being employed by his job
Through not being in any jail
For crimes he didn't commit
While being married to his Wife,
(My mother, still alive,)
He could legally f***
Any time he wanted to
He said I was an idiot
In his legal God d**** life
He could walk away from anytime he wanted to
If he was dissatisfied with
For WHATEVER reason
Yes.
I'm an idiot, dad.
4/10/2018
Calm SO CALM
There's so many things I need to remember
like getting hot cocoa to calm myself down for the emotional abuse of the customers at that one place
Watching videos of room tours
Playing that game with the pet rooms to calm myself down
Listening to all that music
I've meticulously wrote down
To calm me down
All the movies
I remember,
To calm me down,
The scenes or even book titles,
That in a pinch,
Might calm me down.
I want to remember all these things
I need to remember all these things
Because I may need to
In the future
calm down.
Right now
I'm not so calm
but what movie
film
book
scene
sense
smell
sight
word
phrase
person
thing
ANYTHING
Do I use
to calm me down?
Oh
The doll house when I was young and I played in it and there was innocence between a boy and a girl and grass and youth and lack of disease and pain
I'm calm.
Yes I'm calm
For now.
like getting hot cocoa to calm myself down for the emotional abuse of the customers at that one place
Watching videos of room tours
Playing that game with the pet rooms to calm myself down
Listening to all that music
I've meticulously wrote down
To calm me down
All the movies
I remember,
To calm me down,
The scenes or even book titles,
That in a pinch,
Might calm me down.
I want to remember all these things
I need to remember all these things
Because I may need to
In the future
calm down.
Right now
I'm not so calm
but what movie
film
book
scene
sense
smell
sight
word
phrase
person
thing
ANYTHING
Do I use
to calm me down?
Oh
The doll house when I was young and I played in it and there was innocence between a boy and a girl and grass and youth and lack of disease and pain
I'm calm.
Yes I'm calm
For now.
3/16/2018
Stranger: Hi, it's seems like you have a lot of problems, what are you prepared to do about them all?
Me: Get drunk, watch a lot of useless online gifs, videos, then message and or stalk random people from my past who can't ultimately positively affect my current situation in life.
Stranger: Solid plan for a loser.
Me: ;)
Me: Get drunk, watch a lot of useless online gifs, videos, then message and or stalk random people from my past who can't ultimately positively affect my current situation in life.
Stranger: Solid plan for a loser.
Me: ;)
I care
They care
I'm sure they care,
They care all the time,
Look at them God da## caring!
They're caring up the place!
They're, there,
Right there!
There over there caring right now!
They care so much....
Those F**** caring people,
They break my F**** heart.
See,
I care too.
I care so much!
Oh!
See me caring over here!
Why don't you notice my caring!
Hey,
You,
Over there
F###### notice my caring...
So my caring..
It's not the same as their caring...
Is it?
No,
and in fact,
They don't actually care,
Because I'm just a tool,
A F****** tool,
That, uh, well, here's the embarrassing part,
Actually f**** cares....
I'm sure they care,
They care all the time,
Look at them God da## caring!
They're caring up the place!
They're, there,
Right there!
There over there caring right now!
They care so much....
Those F**** caring people,
They break my F**** heart.
See,
I care too.
I care so much!
Oh!
See me caring over here!
Why don't you notice my caring!
Hey,
You,
Over there
F###### notice my caring...
So my caring..
It's not the same as their caring...
Is it?
No,
and in fact,
They don't actually care,
Because I'm just a tool,
A F****** tool,
That, uh, well, here's the embarrassing part,
Actually f**** cares....
1/31/2018
Eh
I'm so sorry I care!
I'm so sorry I loved you!
I'm so sorry I checked up on you!
I'm so sorry I knew you
Existed
Still, in fact exsist
I'm so sorry you once knew me
That I'm a sh#% stain on your memory
I'm so sorry I'm ____
I'm so sorry I love you.
I'm so sorry I adore you
At one pointed looked into your
Blue eyes
Your brown eyes
At your blonde head
Felt your gut against mine
Held your hand in mine
Talked to you
Laughed with you
Knew you
Wanted to see you
Was near you
Even breathed in the same breath at the same moment you
Sighed
No
I'm not sorry
Because I'm still alive
And I still love you
I lie
and have lied
But my lips have never touched yours
So aren't you the lucky one,
eh?
I'm so sorry I loved you!
I'm so sorry I checked up on you!
I'm so sorry I knew you
Existed
Still, in fact exsist
I'm so sorry you once knew me
That I'm a sh#% stain on your memory
I'm so sorry I'm ____
I'm so sorry I love you.
I'm so sorry I adore you
At one pointed looked into your
Blue eyes
Your brown eyes
At your blonde head
Felt your gut against mine
Held your hand in mine
Talked to you
Laughed with you
Knew you
Wanted to see you
Was near you
Even breathed in the same breath at the same moment you
Sighed
No
I'm not sorry
Because I'm still alive
And I still love you
I lie
and have lied
But my lips have never touched yours
So aren't you the lucky one,
eh?
1/03/2018
Someone
I know this guy
I love this guy
I've hugged this guy
I've listened to this guy sing
I wanted to be with this guy
This guy is thousands of miles away
Just to get to this guy I would have to pay half my pay check
Ever cent would be worth it though
I want to be near this guy
Nothing about this is worth it.
Nothing.
I love this guy
I've hugged this guy
I've listened to this guy sing
I wanted to be with this guy
This guy is thousands of miles away
Just to get to this guy I would have to pay half my pay check
Ever cent would be worth it though
I want to be near this guy
Nothing about this is worth it.
Nothing.
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