Of Course

Of course I loved you
I don't often F* around
There was a reason for my attention
I didn't waste my energies, as you could see, with other men
I'm much too nervous, hateful and bitter for that
Of course I fell for those clear blue eyes
That tip into and out of you, that sang into you like you were in love, too
Of course I left you
Without so much as a word
Of course I've moved on
Sure
Still writing about you
Still thinking about you
Still listening to your songs
Still falling into the pattern of those blue eyes, duped were looking into mine
Of course I was fooled by the idea
Of distance and time
Healing the F* ton of anything

I'm good

I'm good
I do better than most,
Oh fuck yeah.
I'm the shits
I don't have that addiction
Or that addiction
Absolutely, positively under control
Who the fuck am I kidding?
I'm a complete mess.

It's all too much like a movie

It's all too much like a movie
'Here sits our protagonist, lost in thought, once again... losing in life'
Pacing,
Walking it off,
Drinking too much,
Taking that swig down way too fast
Thinking of the past,
Swiping their hand down their sweaty neck, in a methodical way.
Suddenly clearing their throats in an empty hall way, the sound reverberating off the walls,
A foreshasowing of a possible action scene?
But noting happens.
And we can only imagine the thoughts going through their heads
It's all too much like a movie.
The viewers contemplation over dialog free, monotonous daily living.
The protagonist crunching their feet over gravel,
Leaning thier fist on their forehead, eyes closed
It's all too much like a movie
When all of this, for me, doesn't lead anywhere at all

(RPITTBIHNF)= Random person I talk to because I don't have friends:

Me: I feel like I've spent half my life wasted on liking random boys, and the other half worrying about things that never happened.

(RPITTBIHNF): What are you prepared to do about all these 'conclusions'?

Me: I have no f****** clue.

(RPITTBIHNF): Well, good luck with that, moron.

Movie

But that's a movie you can cut.
Cut to wherever you want to put the sputtering music.
Cut to exactly where you want to put anything.
But this is real life.

Alcohol

The best thing about alcohol is it doesn't judge you.
It just sits there and asks "Hey, do you want to feel something close to nothing?"
And the answer is always unequivocally yes, each and every time.
And then suddenly everything is a good idea.
Want to take a picture of random hanging plant outside a pharmacy?
Snap that shot!
Want to cry in a grocery store?
Go for it!
Want to pass out in a random bench in front of a shitty restaurant?
Why not!
Alcohol provides companionship, comradery, and some times  a link to the past
Alcohol has been there for me when I have no one
It's the one thing that allows me to sit in a room of people
And feel something close to... not wanting them to just leave me be (alone)

Coup came in

Even so

Where is everyone else?
Even so
It feels like underwater
Just under the surface
The feeling of getting bigger and smaller exciting somehow no matter how much I don't understand it.
But when you've come up....
It's gone
Even when you're at that pond you've seen in your dreams
The one you can't describe
The words
The verse
Becoming shit in your head
Before they become shit
On paper

And worst of all that feeling you thought would be there
It's gone.
Where is everyone else?
They're ahead of you
Or so you're told
But
You look behind
the Green grass
The evergreens
They're the only thing that's truly gone
Never yours?
Never meant to be at least.