Being

And i remember all of it!

I remember all of it!

How awful it is human memory!

you come back to me time and again

I see you in the car

on the freeway

on our way to that art show

the one for my sister

i see you driving

i see me looking on

just trying to survive

all so complicated

nothings much has changed

so many charged emotions

wafting off out of me into oblivion

without my or your knowledge as to how to keep them inside my borders

wondering beyond wondering if this is just life

if this is just normal

seeing you not see me

seeing me not see you

and coexisting inside a simple memory, like so many like it, i relive over and over and over again

(Because at least I can see you. See you there from here how I see you now)

that nothing happened at all in

just us siting there

being

The biggest unrequited love in my life was never him. It was God.

Right now

Dead inside, how are you?

Trying at least

staying here

Trying to feel something

Tired.

Noticing you noticing.

Sorry you have to see it.

Want something more myself, yes.

Wishing I could just 'shrug it all off' too

Wanting to move forward with more energy, too.

Pretty sure 'wishing it were so' isn't how it happens.

Trying at least.

Moving forward at least.

Breathing in and out at least.

By the way, the breathing s*** got harder.

Mostly just standing around with dead eyes

Hoping so much you're just happy without me right now.

Just all by yourself, you know?

Because that's what I need most of you right now.

Until I get back to me. 

A moment I'm not sequenced into a series of comfortability?

70th and Alexander

 That afternoon, she slipped into the wood paneled, two story bar off of 70th and Alexander, full of despair. He was the entertainment, at the center back of the bar and like others days he played,  he drummed his guitar while simultaneously singing . She looked left and right, causally wondering about other band members as their eyes swept over and through each other.  Souring from her most recent lover's quarrel, she barely noticed him, that first time, needing a drink (later thinking, how could she not have seen him!)