For my mom, I love you.

I miss you. I feel you watching over me. You'll never know how much I miss you.

I've done somethine wrong

But I still have my marriage. I tried to look for the perfect man. I tried to get happier. I tried so hard, so long, devoted so much of my energy to finding this elusive creature. I tired myself out. I cried. I wept. I left any man in the lurch not resembling the perfect combination of attributes I was looking for.

And when I truly believed I found him, twice, he did not want me. He was content on his own. I loved him for that brief period of my time. Then, in the aftermath of rejection and failure, I became desperate. I  started clinging to anything. No matter how unnatural their behavior to mine. No matter what, I clung. I stayed. I tried to make it work. And got hurt from incompatibility. And the world would judge me for what I did in the interim. But the world has nothing on what I have in store for my own self deprecating each day. And I judge the world in turn. But I should hope no more. For what I've done, for what I did, I want to put it in the past. I have to move forward. I have to gain my objectives. I have to fight for what will push me forward, for myself. And no one could have told that story to me better than the turmoil brought from the search for a  good man.

He

He judges me full heatedly for my drinking. My little black bubbles just won't do it for him. I don't blame him. So I try hard to push out words from his lips to please my self confidence. I push out tiny smiles form my heart, like trying to poke out goose feathers from a down comforter. Slowly at first, then fast as full tugs of anticipation are pulled out.
 I feel him. I know him. I touch the essence of him in the middle of the night when he's not looking or thinking of me. And I think of him.The platonic nature of our relationship and I understand how very much this is meant to be. It's okay.

I F'd up

I didn't love him. I didn't even particularly feel attracted to him. His name was ____ and he was a part of the armed services. I felt like I couldn’t hurt him. I couldn’t even do anything but tip toe around him. Even asking him to turn up the heat seemed the extremity I didn't want him to go through just for me. He had tattoo’s. I traced them with my fingers. I kissed his lips. But first I kissed his nose and that started a cascade of emotions and feelings and physical reactions I couldn’t stop. I should have stopped it. He gave me every out. He was a gentlemen in every way. I don't know where I'm at now. I can't stop thinking about him. I know I shouldn't put this out to the world. I know it's dumb. But I have. Because he meant I don't know what to do. I can't stop this and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.