Her

All the piddering and all the paddering doesn't do a world of good.
Not when it's all the same.
All the images remain on the screen to comfort and sooth me
and I move onto the next when that one dosen't quite
affect the emotion I was looking for
No,
All the Pidderinga anda all the Paddering
Does not quite do the same
As when you were alive
And I was just a petulant teen
Sitting in a car
Waiting to do our beach laundry
Disgrntful to be sitting next to a being
So distasteful
As ones mother
OH!
Yes!
She can be so bad!
But the world?
What of the world can hold you?
Can send you with warmth?
The world that will KILL YOU
For your beliefs.
The world where you're scared
To SAY  A WORD,
No,
But  a mother,
Yes,
She is wrong,
She is unjust,
She is the one you should hate.
YES
And all this laid before you feel
Before knowing and understanding
And yes then she is gone.
But yes.
Look at your fing window.
And hate her.
Yes.
Hate her

No, this is not it either

All their faces pushed in on you.
Maybe that's what is what feeling life is all about.
Feeling indignation.
Feeling wronged
Feeling pain.
Feeling betrayal
Feeling love and hatred in the same sentence of loss and lust
Feeling a way out and not taking it
Screaming at 3 am walking around wanting nothing more for it
to go away on it's own accord
Not sitting pretty
Empty inside
Provided for
Left alone
Undisturbed.
No, this is not it either

How to be me

1. Be a good alcoholic (Don't beat people up and wear pants.)
2. Be the perfect employee (see # 1 plus show up everyday on time and try to smile, try.)
3. Be the perfect spouse (Do what's worked in the past, be the cruise director of a drowning cruise ship, try every little thing the hood taught you about saving money and/or moving it around, wink, wink and don't hurt him in anyway shape or form, you love him most in all the world because he's the only one who has and will ever give a living F about you.)
4. Be a good neighbor (Basically see # 1 and #2 plus know when to know when to stand some ground. Or don't because you're actually a pretty good neighbor. You keep it quiet. Like all the time. It's exhausting people, you're welcome!)
5. Be a good sister (Hate her until you love her again.)
6. Be a good friend (Write letters back only to those who have actually been there to weather some f'd up storms.)

This is simply nothing I was prepared for

I think the over arching theme here is 'now'

The idea of now in the least

I mean I'n by no means an even 

Beginner surveyor of quantum physics 

If this is what that is

But what it is is

Is the here 

I am here.

The fact that I'm right here

I'm now

And this is now

And what the h do I do with the now

When no one is tormenting me?
It's as though it's easier to have the yelling

To have the screaming 

To have the struggle

The not knowing

The planning for the likely catastrophe

It's easier to have abuse

The fixing from one uneasy scenario to the next

Than to have a place of peace and ease 

And unlikely demise

This is simply nothing I was prepared for.

 

I have always loved you.

Tonight

What do you want to do?
Keep drinking.
What are you going to do next?
Drink and look at pictures of him
What are you going to do tomorrow?
I don't know.
Hope I don't die.
Because I most certainly will go to hell.

('I love him' is the only answer I can give swiftly, and evenly to any judgement before me of my thoughts and state of mind.
And no, there is no pancetta.
And it will not help.
No, pancetta does not heal everything.)

Please, ___ go to a happier place

Please ____ go to a happier place.
A place that doesn't surprise you when you smile, for once
A place full of automatic paintings of wild flowers with watercolors
Where you can watch a movie in full without distractions
Not having to keep the same song on loop
Just because it's the only thing that made you feel, for the day
Please, ___ go to a happier place
Where you don't have to constantly think about words such as
Gas lighting
Anxiety
Pills
And
Self esteem
Where things just come automatic
Where things just come calmly
Peacefully
Without pain
Where things just come
And don't cut
They all love you
They all have troubles
Just like you
The difference is
Things are cutting into you
When like fog they could just flow past
That's what you want most
You just want a flow
A stance
A place
SOMETHING
You just want SOMETHING
AND THIS
This is not
that
Someting.