To walk away

Sometimes
A Lot of times
I want to call him
And put my two hands over his cute, pump cheeks
And look into his eyes
And say everything I should have said
But he's not the him that I think he is
He's some construction I've edited in my mind
Of exactly the person I wanted him to be
Because all I wanted was something different
Something more lasting
A boyfriend
And I got one
And I hurt him
I hurt them all
And I would continue to hurt them
Semi amuse them
Take advantage of them
Scare them
Reject them
Because everyone loves rejection'
If I didn't just stick to what I've been sticking to all along
Which is to walk away.

My thoughts

Generation X (concerning conversations with other people): "If you're not going to say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
Generation Y (concerning conversations with other people): "If you're not going to say anything funny, STFU."

(I like the GIF below, she's like F my dreams. LOL)

A stupid poem brought to you by stupid decsions

To all I've had to say goodbye to after alcohol... but mostly just men.....

Away from you
I have to get away from you
This is me getting away from you
Because it's all choices, see?
And I have mine and you have yours.
And we've both made ours
And mine is to be
Away from you

(I will have to say life is boring without you.)

Rubies

Don’t you start to wonder?
Don’t you start to see?
Under all these layers
Someone has to be me
Diamonds, rubies, treasures
They come from far off lands
But nothing seems to heal me
I see that slide of hand
And don’t you try to comfort
When all you do is mock
You must have know all along,
I did not come to talk

(I have no idea if this is a duplicate post or not. And I'm totally not up to investigating at all LOL because I totally did the below last night. I like how she's like "WHOOP!" Don't need that anymore now, do we?)

How we relate to each other

I sat at the bar, I vowed not to go to
That I'd been to three times that weekend already,
I'd had too much to drink,
And could feel my heart pound under too many sulfates,
When He came over because I bought him a drink.
I thought of course he'd not sit quietly
He doesn't understand my relationship to money
(My desperate hope it'll be the thing that will allow me the privilege to be left alone.)
Of course he wouldn't just sit back and relax and enjoy what I bought him
Not when in guy world this means truce.
So he comes over there
And immediately comes too close.
I sit my bag on a chair
I desperately hope he doesn't sit on
And I lean back, wearily, like a dog whose tail's inching the back of their thighs,
Stiff as a board
And it hits me.
His silence, his inexplicant, expectant, very desperate silent look I take for full idiocy/borderline psychotic.
And as I looked at him, I saw, as though from a distance, my own reaction to him
And thought this is how we relate to one another
The same way he's seeing me, I'm seeing him
No matter how vastly our different opinions
He wants me to save him.
Or in the least make it alright
As I'm screaming inside my head F if I'll be your three minute fad!
So I go about giving in
Giving him a good night
We laugh
We roar
The sulfates strangle my heart
And he says _____ you're something else!
And I feel unique.
He asks me if he can walk me home
I politely, from some place I didn't know I kept sincerity towards men like him anymore
Say It's not far, "I know" he says
But accepts Because it's been an exceptional evening in his mind
All he really wanted.

Stand up man

I like you, ____
You're a stand up man.
You're calm when everyone else is an asshole
You stand beside me and say
___, calm the F down and do you work.
You're there when you don't have to be
You're inside my head and outside my mind
You play cards with my words
And make balloon animals with my emotions
So that I laugh at them
Instead of cry.
I know, I know, I know
There should be a better tribute to you than this
But let this be a place holder
For a time I can truly show you
How you've made this awful
Mess of  a hell
I've gotten my own self into
The biggest
Tiniest bit better
Than anyone else can during those eight hours

The god of letting go and not blaming yourself for everything

When you're not here,
I come out.
I hide in places, you can't see
So I don't distract you from your form
Because
Too often
I see through your eyes
I trip your motions
Before foot falls
I hate everything about you
But I still in your wake
And seep through your veins
Live inside your spleen
And Take up mass alongside you like a loyal servant to fetch water in the middle of the night
I will always be here
I will always beckon to your call
But when you're not here
I come out
I sing
I dance
I think for myself
I sit in a corner, alone
And I have finally learned from years and years of resentment
NOT to fear every moment you may return But to cherish every moment you are not actually here
Because when you're not here,
I come out
Oh I come out!
I sing!
I draw!
I'm me!
When you're not here,
I come out.
I can be me
Oh, I know I've said it
and write it over and over again
But the rejoice is in the spirit
Of letting you go
And not blaming myself for being your loyal servant
When I don't know how to be anything else, sometimes.
And I think in the end,
those who I've yet to thank say,
"Welcome back."