What I wrote in my jounral at the start of this job

I can't - You have though
It's not possible- Can others do the same thing?

It's not sustainable - Have you tried hard enough?

It will always be like this - Has anything 'always been like this'?

I want more - What have you done for yourself?

I can't move - Move!

It's too hard - What have you tried to get done?

I don't want to - Do you have a choice?

You get what you give and if you give two f$%*# ' s, WELL....

Note to self (Paraphrasing a person who saved my life)

 Who THE H*** told you not to take care yourself?! 

Goldie Lox

I'm walking inside this strangers life

Wearing her clothes

Eating her food

Sleeping in this strangers house

On their bed

With their five blankets

Thinking them a Goldie lox

Whenever I'm asleep in their house

As it's either too hot 

Or too cold

(And lately, just so, as if to mimic the spirit of current circumstance, never just right)

Buying things with her money

Using her pens

(This stranger has some nice art supplies,)

Which I've used out of their bin by saying to myself

"Thank you whoever you are for such excellent taste"

And I inspect this strangers thoughts

I inspect them thoroughly for...

HOPE

For PEACE

For LIFE

I inspect this strangers life thoroughly so that I might live it to it's new purpose

WHICH IS FOR HAPPINESS PEACE HOPE LIFE LOVE AND KINDNESS

I inspect this strangers life to live this strangers life that I've been living because this stranger is in fact me

Because this stranger has collected many things for herself

Good neutral and bad

Cold warm and hot

Big small and medium

And all of them have thus far failed to make her happy

But there has to be a way and I just know there has to be a way

Because I'm here and she's here and we're here and we're together

and we're one and this is the place where it stared 

and the fat lady has not sung just yet

To have a moment for such a silly thing as peace

It seemed such the mission

Just last night

To stick to serious topics only

To say something... amazing

Earth shattering

effective

Victorious

Something that would conquer,

Yet what occurred were only overused words,fluff, trite things...

And we were so disappointed,

Both thinking it subconsciously not saying it aloud

Or at least just I thinking it at a time...

Until you said,

"Do you think these heart to hearts means anything at all?:

And just after I having thought it myself said,

(And really wanting to keep it positive,

upbeat,

not wasted in the least,) 

"I think these heart to hearts foster positive things, togetherness"

Something to that affect.

Until today

When the pain of the morning sparked just survival

Just to survive maybe...

And then the walk where I noticed such peace was enough to my eyes

When I spoke of such a trite thing to say as the setting sun, noticing then how your eyes shone

With the stupidest joke

To have a moment for such a silly thing as peace

Then I remembered her. and that silly cockroach I had to kill for her.

She was terrified of cockroaches more so than I've ever seen anyone on my life

and when the cockroach disappeared and she was afraid of it's very existence

And  I so proudly and confidently said "I'm sure it's gone for good!"

And when it came back.

Oh, when it came back though.

I knew it's death sentence was sealed.

It had to die

And did it die.

I crushed it.

Not even remembering how

But  with the fire of vengeance it was dead.

And today I remember how she so brilliantly, with the light in her eyes that she brought to world,

Repeated that story to anyone who entered that room that day over and over again

As if it was the most important thing next to clean water, love and life..

With the brightest smile

Something so small to be repeated so importantly 

When i was so Importantly trying to muddle through all my worries of that day

She found a story

And a laugh

And a few scares

And folded it up into a a small

So trite

So small

Silly, non conquering, unimportant, really, story,

But so full of peace

not triumph

but peace

That smiled

that day

emphasizing a silly thing called peace