it was as though, after so much time, she could open her eyes.

I'm Trying.

I want this I want this I want this

I feel this I feel this I feel this

I think this I think this I think this

But is this so?

I keep asking

Is this so?

Has it always been like this?

No.

I'm constantly changing

But am I colliding or rising, rewriting, succumbing or resigning?

Loosing

Winning

Dying 

or living?

What is it?

And the answer is always: I'm trying.

The truth is.

The truth is this.
I miss you.
Every second.
Every minute.
I don't have to get drunk.
I don't have to sing.
I don't have to listen to that song.
I don't have to face my memory.
Over and over and over again.
I just have to hear your name
I just have to picture your face
I just have to... 
be
The truth is I will love you forever
I will miss you forever
But I'm here now
And you're not.
So we move forward.
So we move forward.

What I'm doing now

It's now sort of an analysis of the bullsh** of the world.

An analysis of what people do

And why.

Realizing what I do 

and why

Not really an observer of my own life

Still of course lost
Hoping to be Part of the 'fold'

Being still on the more than perimeter,

But very much not so much hoping

Or betting,

but Knowing

That the truth is there

Listening 

No longer for a laugh

But listening and talking now

To be heard
For real

Seen
For real

And kind of, kind of, kind of knowing what is truly going on

Hoping to not just be an observer of my own life.

Me, myself and afraid

There's this thing
This friend
This person
This place
This name
I've lived all my life
Their name is afraid
BUT WHY?
Why are we together?
All the time?
All the places?
All the things?
When I know the ending!
WE ALL DIE IN THE END!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
They all die in the end
So why don't I know this guy:
JOY
HUH?
Who stole that guy from me?
It wasn't alcohol
It wasn't marriage
It wasn't any job
That guy
Yeah THAT GUY
was stolen by me
myself
and afraid.

I may not be there
But I'm also not there

You get to the point when you've skidded out into the open from the ether and you're looking out in the actual world and the way in which it works and wondering how you ever did not know.

Pain

You get to the point where you see the pain in their eyes

No matter who they are

No matter how much money they've made

And you fully understand the pain

You understand it because you've lived it

You're living it

Whatever they have

They don't have

What they've done 

Haven't done

That pain in their eyes

Is all the same

Exactly as yours

Enough

You never sat there and thought, really, "It's always almost enough."

Because is should have been! It was enough, right?

Because you survived it

You were even happy at times.

It was you who were thinking "I'm not enough."

When the situation and the people were.... just were

It was the you who you were analyzing.
You had found yourself to be not enough somehow
But you were enough
That you somehow weren't worthy
Yes, because of the way they treated you,

But when  a person is alive,

They are worthy.

But here I am. 

This is is where I am.

Right here.

Here is where I am,

And this is the moment in which I am living.

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

You get to the point where everything you do and say
Your heart mind and soul are screaming
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
And you know they're right
You know the ways in which you've been speaking and doing
Are all wrong
But you don't know how to stop it
And worse you keep
Doing and speaking the same
But you know in you heart
At least
At least
At least
There's a path out
And you're willing to take it
You're willing to embrace it
You're willing to go down it
Look there
Make more mistakes
Yes
But you'r on that path out
At least
At least
At least
You're on that path out

Kindness

Kindness above all else is what should happen
No matter what
Kindness
What good would anything else do?
All the reacting
All the overthinking
All the hurt emotions
The  constantly revolving thoughts
Remembering how they remember you
As a failure
Makes you a failure
And reflects more on your own mindset
Than there's
Is it true that they think you're a complete failure?
Or are you imagining them imagining this because that's what you imagine yourself as?
All THIS JUDGING THEM HURTS YOU!
All these negative emotions just hurt you, and doesn't get anything done!
What doesn't cause pain?
Kindness
Who cares if they hate you? Love them. Show them love. What is more important than love?

The answer is follow him

The answer ____ is yes, he would want to you to follow him, no matter what

The answer ____ is yes, he would want you to make the decision he asked you to make

The answer ____ is yes, you have to follow him no matter what

The answer ____ is yes, you can't hold this above him

Follow him, ____ is the answer

I lived in my own way

You've given me vision

Why have you given me vision?!

Why have you given me this mind?!

Why have you enabled me to see how to fix it?!

Why have you enabled me to know how it's broken?!

When all too often I just move past quickly

Just to get it done

Instead of getting it done right

When I Knew

I KNEW
How to do it

Why did you give me these gifts

When all I did was judge

Those who used their gifts

Imperfectly

When all along

THAT'S ALL, IF ANYTHING, I WAS DOING

And  then to judge those who were even doing at all

What I was afraid to start

You've given me truth

You've given me a brain that understands

And instead of guiding, I judged

Instead of teaching, I pointed fingers

Instead of using my gifts

I played

I laughed

AND NOW I'M CRYING

And am surprised I'm loosing in the biggest game there ever was,

Myself

Instead of living in you alone

I lived in my own way

Does it matter?

Does it matter if this sells?
When it helps?
Does it matter if it's a masterpiece?
If it helps?
Does it matter that it's amateur at best?
When it's what makes me think this morning?
Does it matter?

I Followed myself

I laid my head at the side of my own bed each night

With adoration

And pride

I asked no assistance

BECAUSE OF COURSE I WAS RIGHT

Yet here I am

Asking myself

Where is my head

What are these thoughts

Who is your master

Why are you here

What  have you done

(AND ALL ALONG I JUDGED ALL ELSE)

Look how you messed up!

Look who was made to follow!

You thought you were so right!

YOU COULD HAVE MADE BETTER CHOICES 

HOW COULD YOU HAVE FAILED ME

And when I truly turn around and look to my leader

Oh, now how they're on their knees!

Begging for a name other than their own

That made this mess

That more than themselves have to suffer in

My mom loved the words, perhaps, oh pshaw and copiche

There ares some people who realize that life is not transitory

Life is now

What ever you do in this exact moment creates your happiness

Not memories

These people don't hope,

The do.

They do with with the now what they want to do with the now

They're not collectors of hopefully, happy memories,

Hoping that the things they are doing will create happiness for the future;

They don't live for a future,

They live in the now.

There are people who just do ii,

They create happiness

They take risks

Screw the consequences

And say what they want to say right here, right now,

Despite the every ending possibility of that illusionary place we all like to refer to as

'A brighter tomorrow'

And they live in this context outside of you

Yet, you injure them out of ignorance

You look to them as an enemy

A rogue agent in your idea of the world as it should be or could be

The world as it is in the keeping up of appearances

In which they clearly are not

Fear

It seems like the worst thing you can do is to react to anything

The reason I love that dog so much is the fact that she so unambivalently lives

It's the reactionary nature of reacting to fear that kills us in the end

I've been sober two months.

sometimes i fantasize  about living among the poorest of the poor

that this would be a situation of brotherhood and sisterhood

Then I read actual accounts of the poor living amounts the poorest of the poor

And It's as much of a brother and sisterhood 

As a jagged, rusted knife 

Slit upon a continuously open wound would be.

I don't want to leave this place

I don't want to get up from this place

This counterfeit semblance of peace

This place of non action 

In my bed

With thoughts of you

This place that shouts all the mistakes I've ever made in my life

....This place of you

This place of your eyes

This place that if real

Is completely silently, featurelessly, perfect

Perfect

Never sharp

Never cruel

It does not talk

It does not judge

No this place of you and me

And your blue eyes

Just is.

This round ball I hold in my head

Is what will never be

But at least

It's you

I miss you mom

Mom, I miss you so much that I want to embody my younger self, posses that ignorant person and quietly demand you understand my love.

I had a pastor growing up that said people with incurable disease such as cancer would crawl through human excrement to find relief. I've had the exquisite privilege to be able to be on both sides of that coin. To not only have an incurable pain that I'd crawl through human excrement to relieve but also .... to be with you.

darling you're in a slippery place

Left and right make no sense

Up and down are also questionable

Him

I felt the cotton like material bounce back beneath my finger tips. The Red glow of the heater staring back at me under the intense pain. I loved him. But he was slipping away. I no longer remembered his favorite books, his favorite songs, the things he use to say. The phrases that emulated off my brain in the darkest moments of my life, were slipping away. For a time in my life where things were coming together, loosing the one man I had clung to, was not something I expected. The aspect that he was not someone I should desire nor long for, did not defeat the senses in my heart that told me not to put him away. In a life where constant struggle and pain were things I could expect, my own mind could not be controlled when it came to him. I could think about him all I wanted. No one could tell me no, dig inside my mind and tell me to stop it. This quiet was mine. This was my mind, my moment of peace and solitude. Beyond reason, remorse and morality, I clung to him. He would always be that baby faced cherub sitting in my mind, stroking my cheek, telling me what I was good at, what I was passionate about and that he was there with me, he loved me. And now he was slipping away under this impression of sense and good judgment to move on and do what was right, as should have been all along. Was it right that I clung to him? An infinite fantasy ready and willing to be enveloped at my command like the bounce of this fabric under my fingertips that I controlled, like so little else in my life? No. It wasn't right.

she looked at them with a petulant child look, but she was all grown up

and given a job with people who reminded her of her parents

whom she didn't entirely agree with

but did the job in an automatic functionality of performance

based on the only knowledge she had:

that of listening with an obstinate authenticity 

lacking in any sort of enthusiasm

as though her thoughts that she possible knew better (but did not)

were hard to keep from her face

if she tried at all.

Just for you

I know I'm such a downer
Just for you
It has nothing to do with my philosophy
The way I've lived my life
The things I've seen'
The things I've heard
The things I've read
I know I"m such a downer,
Just for you
So, I'll just change magically,
Within these few seconds
For this fleeting moment
In your fleeting eyes
That will fleetingly
But just like me
So I'm not a downer
Just for you

That grocery store floor 

Reminded her that

Any dirty floor

Was a place anyone

Could culr up into pockets of life

Bite sized

Trival

And die