Peace

You think these things, then you become these things, in a shirt bit. And then you think the things, that you thought, actually mattered. Or that the petty thoughts you had, didn't take up a part of your brain that should have been solely devoted to finding peace. Then they are the junk that got in the way of your peace.

Indemnity

You were the only one

The only one

The only one

The only one

That gave a f****.

You listened

You really listened.

When everyone else just looked away at a thing that wasn't hopefully happening

Because they didn't want to have to be responsible for the thing that was happening

Right before their f****** eyes.

Because that meant they were a bad person

Yes, not only a bad person,

 A VERY bad person

Because they were not helping another person.

Because YOU SEE, they weren't watching an ACTUAL "person."

Because what was happening right in front of them from this "person,"

Was not coming from a person....

Bear with me. 

Because that would mean they were a person like that "person" was a person.

And maybe that "person" was maybe a person,

Like they were a person

But that's f****** crazy!

Because that "person" that was actually a f******* person
Was/is crazy!
And that crazy "person" was absolutely not a f****** person.

Like they were a person.

Because they were definitely a person!

Oh definitely!

And that "person" was not a person

Because if that "person" was a person

They would have to be a good person and help that person
REALLY HELP that person

And they could possibly, somehow, someway be a person just like that "person" is most certifiably not a person.

It's just a thing.

Dear Me

Get up 

Because you have to believe it

You just have to listen to that small voice that says

This is isn't that bad,

This isn't it

No matter how stupid this advice sounds in this exact moment

No matter how trite

No matter how many times you've heard it in your entire life

No matter how much you've felt it meant nothing to you right now,

No matter what,

You have to believe.

You have to get up!

You have to fight!

You have to move on!

You have to believe you can do it.

You have to believe

You simply have to believe.

No matter what, you have to believe.

No matter what.

it was as though, after so much time, she could open her eyes.

I'm Trying.

I want this I want this I want this

I feel this I feel this I feel this

I think this I think this I think this

But is this so?

I keep asking

Is this so?

Has it always been like this?

No.

I'm constantly changing

But am I colliding or rising, rewriting, succumbing or resigning?

Loosing

Winning

Dying 

or living?

What is it?

And the answer is always: I'm trying.

The truth is.

The truth is this.
I miss you.
Every second.
Every minute.
I don't have to get drunk.
I don't have to sing.
I don't have to listen to that song.
I don't have to face my memory.
Over and over and over again.
I just have to hear your name
I just have to picture your face
I just have to... 
be
The truth is I will love you forever
I will miss you forever
But I'm here now
And you're not.
So we move forward.
So we move forward.

What I'm doing now

It's now sort of an analysis of the bullsh** of the world.

An analysis of what people do

And why.

Realizing what I do 

and why

Not really an observer of my own life

Still of course lost
Hoping to be Part of the 'fold'

Being still on the more than perimeter,

But very much not so much hoping

Or betting,

but Knowing

That the truth is there

Listening 

No longer for a laugh

But listening and talking now

To be heard
For real

Seen
For real

And kind of, kind of, kind of knowing what is truly going on

Hoping to not just be an observer of my own life.