What I'm doing now

It's now sort of an analysis of the bullsh** of the world.

An analysis of what people do

And why.

Realizing what I do 

and why

Not really an observer of my own life

Still of course lost
Hoping to be Part of the 'fold'

Being still on the more than perimeter,

But very much not so much hoping

Or betting,

but Knowing

That the truth is there

Listening 

No longer for a laugh

But listening and talking now

To be heard
For real

Seen
For real

And kind of, kind of, kind of knowing what is truly going on

Hoping to not just be an observer of my own life.

Me, myself and afraid

There's this thing
This friend
This person
This place
This name
I've lived all my life
Their name is afraid
BUT WHY?
Why are we together?
All the time?
All the places?
All the things?
When I know the ending!
WE ALL DIE IN THE END!
SPOILERS!
SPOILERS!
They all die in the end
So why don't I know this guy:
JOY
HUH?
Who stole that guy from me?
It wasn't alcohol
It wasn't marriage
It wasn't any job
That guy
Yeah THAT GUY
was stolen by me
myself
and afraid.

I may not be there
But I'm also not there

You get to the point when you've skidded out into the open from the ether and you're looking out in the actual world and the way in which it works and wondering how you ever did not know.

Pain

You get to the point where you see the pain in their eyes

No matter who they are

No matter how much money they've made

And you fully understand the pain

You understand it because you've lived it

You're living it

Whatever they have

They don't have

What they've done 

Haven't done

That pain in their eyes

Is all the same

Exactly as yours

Enough

You never sat there and thought, really, "It's always almost enough."

Because is should have been! It was enough, right?

Because you survived it

You were even happy at times.

It was you who were thinking "I'm not enough."

When the situation and the people were.... just were

It was the you who you were analyzing.
You had found yourself to be not enough somehow
But you were enough
That you somehow weren't worthy
Yes, because of the way they treated you,

But when  a person is alive,

They are worthy.

But here I am. 

This is is where I am.

Right here.

Here is where I am,

And this is the moment in which I am living.