Speciate

Do you think I could speciate you in my head?

Wander around you pre arranged anatomy

After I've determined the best native environment for cultivation? take a boat to the middle of the pond I've encased you

Past the fairy's whose eyes I've been told not to look into

unless i want to loose my soul indefinitely?

Like I already have to you

Or would it be easier

Kinder

To cultivate you in a petri dish

On my desk, In my drawer

Would you like instead to be a rain drop

Perpetually

Rolling down a windshield

In the deepest curves of a winding forest

Over and over again

Brought up through the mountains

Down through valleys and streams and 'criks'

So that you'd land on the same car wind shield-mine-each summer solstice?

Before a full moon I could bath your carnivores hide I'd finally learned to clone into the perfect specimen of bear

not feral--

loves trash still

and always up for cuddles?

What will it be, sir?

(excuse weird fun poem i happen to like I'm trying to get back into writing. Just thoughts. I love romance as much as philosophy and science. Always have)

My Aunt's Boyfriend

I went to many parades as a child

Only one really stands out

The pirates!

I clearly remember the pirates

And the candy

And the random plastic jewelry that was awarded

It was my aunt's boyfriend that took me to this one

I loved being out in Seattle

I loved being with my aunt’s boyfriend

I had no idea she was going to dump him

Over something so trivial as a practical joke

I mean he had a fing sail boat

He had a condo

He had money for ice cream

Which he bought for us

He took us to the mall

He did so many things for us kids, I'm sure he got into trouble from my mom

Everyone gets into trouble from my mom, man, don't take it personal or nothing.

I mean come on

That condo alone

What more could she hope for than him?

But, no, some random day in my childhood my aunt’s boyfriend was gone.

He did make fun of my sister for being so fat, she squashed my collar bone, breaking it, diving for a frisbee

Maybe my aunt’s boyfriend had it coming.

Who knows.

He wasn't half bad looking.

It was as though every single person in my life had a piece to fit to make my life complete but you had the one to rip my heart in two.

Towel

"Place your hands at my throat." She said.

"Here?"

"Yes, there."

"Squeeze."

"I can't."

"You already have a thousand times, what makes this time any different?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"You're scaring me."

"I'm scaring you."

That's rich

Clock on the wall

I replaced your heart with a block of pre charred wood

And then lit it on fire.

No one noticed

You certainly did

I called the fire dept myself

You sat and waited 

I held your hands as tears flowed down your cheeks

Never leaving your eyes

Looking directly into them

I lit fire to your heart, beating still in your chest

just for me

and no one noticed

The arson took place in less than seconds

I watched on the clock in the hall that you personally changed the battery in

The one with the broken plastic shield that kept the paper with the numbers on it, securely in tack

You figured this out,

After breaking the plastic by accident

By dropping the shield on the floor

that that paper was curled in such a way

as to prevent the big and small arms of the clock from turning properly

if the plastic shield was not placed on top

So you fixed it

Taped the cover now broke in two 

with the only tape you could find

replaced the dead battery,

and placed the clock back on the wall.

Unlike your heart,

the clock is still ticking

Goldfinch

I will love you until

the final grasp of my fingers

On the corners of this bed 

We call earth. 

until the silt leaves this  marrow,

And like our chilly breath 

Settling on the corners of this window pane,

You sit like a Goldfinch,

Eating away at my hands, 

Slowing devouring my veins in a single slurp of your soul, 

Sitting inside mine

(much apologizes for the absurdity of this poem. I like some of it. I'm very, very much trying to get back into writing after a year of 2 blog posts, this upsets me.)

Physics?

Time is commodity

Just as currency

Is currency

Just as love

thought

Dimension--it's a line/other stuff?

fields upon fields within this world

The field inside/outside... a feather!

a touch and go...

an ocean
a face

Looking at a wave 

that connects to

the same wave 

That had come from somewhere else...

and goes... inside that instant

it's as thought we have time travel

Somehow we have it all in a wave, crashing onto an opposing ocean shore

(sorry for stupide poem of stupid collected thoughts. I needed this.)

Talking back

I'm not a bad poet

I'm not a bad person

I'm me

I'm worth it

I'll survive

As I have

I love and have loved and will love again

I know what's right

I know what's wrong

I also know what's killing me inside

And what will destroy me 

Absolutely obliterate me

Not that I had a problem

I love how almost anyone who has talked to me about a brief cessation in their alcohol intake (also commonly referred to as 'sobriety') has prefaced this obscenity with 'Not that I had a problem."

(in a sense a brief disclosure in this dialog must be made aware that the aforementioned phrase should be only said in ones head in as nasal kind of a way. And much of the following should as well. Reader's preference, of course.)

Oh dear.

Problems.

I hate to be the one to say this

I guess the bearer of bad news perchance to say ,perchance to express, perchance to dispel the egotistical logic of the moment

But!

OH! DID I HAVE A PROBLEM.

That problem is not so elegantly described as

and not so favorable referred to as

ALCHOLHOLISM.

So I did cease

from the alcohol

OH!

(Until now (what delights!) of course!)

NOT BECAUSE I HAD A PROBLME OR ANHTING!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Yeh No

I did

I so did.

But because I wanted to like

Live.

To live.

Yeh

The Game

So you've found how to throw the ball without looking, very good

You've decided to reserve this token when needed most, good
Most people use them now
You've given up
You no longer care that this wall will limit your chances of future success
Because you're tired
Is that it?

Oh, you've started again because you realize it's just a game,

And there's at least that
You've noticed that even if you hit the target, you've missed,
Because you hitting the target happened outside our view point,
Because we did not see it happen,
You don't get credit

You've realized the complexity of the viewable action, versus the objectivity of the game.

Duplicity.

And no one cares.

And really, no one has time to.

But, when will you discover the line?

Fear

I'd purge, if I felt there was something viable to purge.

I'd cry, if I saw the end of tears.

I'd scratch off my face, if it ended this pain.

I'd kill my own self,

If it only killed the 'self' that feels this way.

If it made sure that version,

That weak, mutable self that I became in your eyes,

Was finally lost into some forest I lead it into, 

As if some wicked, wanton, ill gotten pet.

We deal as we deal
Form what we had to deal with
As we were dealing with 
What we'd been dealing with 
And throughout it all
Oh, so oddly enough, 
We are in fact dealing
While our minds are screaming
"You're not dealing!" 
But aren't we?

 

 

That singular part of me that will die before it gives up on you, involuntarily moves the rest of me.

You, of course, being the law I broke out of my own book of rules. 

You can't help her

You can't help the person I turn into out of rage, anger, lust, envy, jealous, 

unease whose unhealed and triggered.

You can only help the listening ear that laps at the shore of healing.

Do you hate the broken bits of her you also possess?

Aliens in trees guy

I've never stopped thinking about you.

Just that.

Love me, hate me,

Have an unnaturally vivid unhealthy thought pattern concerning the mere mention of my name.

But you, Sir,

Have never left my mind.
After so many people who have dinged that doorbell to enter my store keep!

So many draws they've unnecessarily pulled open and rooted around and looked through inside me

To help them prove their own points

To help them navigate their own delusional paths

To help them feel better about their 'better' lives

To help them heal

To help them learn

To help them just continue on the same path they were going.

But you, sir, opened all the draws

And just looked.

And saw.

And asked questions.

And looked at me

And wanted to learn.

Not specifically for an agenda of yours

But for the sake of learning 

For the sake of the gestational existential period of time we shared briefly  inside of this mediocre land of strife and pain 

we called life

You wanted to learn what I have learned and seen what I have seen for the very sake of seeing it too and somehow 

learning.

So no, you're not forgotten sir.

I will always come back to your book

I will always come back to your eyes

I will always come back to your face

Your thoughts

Your questions

Your answers

Your stories

And your presence that I hold inside me like whiffs of smoke candles give off

Leave it alone

At every turn you were perfect,

At the very turn I was broken.

At every turn I lost myself,

I found you.

You were always there and I was always crazy,

angry, hurt, scared, anxious, jealous, all the bad

And you were there!

The good!

The kindly

The helpful,

What God do you follow?

I want to know him!

I want to know him!

I will follow that!

For the rest of my days.

Thank you.

I want to create my own reality

You are creating your reality

No, the one I want

You are creating the reality you want

You're not listening!

What am I not hearing?!

Your deep seated desire to control every synapsial reaction inside the heads of those you say you love?!

You say you love?!

You say you love?!

Tell me, how much do you love being controlled?!

Mom

It wasn't the fact that she is gone, it's the fact that she was.