You can't help her

You can't help the person I turn into out of rage, anger, lust, envy, jealous, 

unease whose unhealed and triggered.

You can only help the listening ear that laps at the shore of healing.

Do you hate the broken bits of her you also possess?

Aliens in trees guy

I've never stopped thinking about you.

Just that.

Love me, hate me,

Have an unnaturally vivid unhealthy thought pattern concerning the mere mention of my name.

But you, Sir,

Have never left my mind.
After so many people who have dinged that doorbell to enter my store keep!

So many draws they've unnecessarily pulled open and rooted around and looked through inside me

To help them prove their own points

To help them navigate their own delusional paths

To help them feel better about their 'better' lives

To help them heal

To help them learn

To help them just continue on the same path they were going.

But you, sir, opened all the draws

And just looked.

And saw.

And asked questions.

And looked at me

And wanted to learn.

Not specifically for an agenda of yours

But for the sake of learning 

For the sake of the gestational existential period of time we shared briefly  inside of this mediocre land of strife and pain 

we called life

You wanted to learn what I have learned and seen what I have seen for the very sake of seeing it too and somehow 

learning.

So no, you're not forgotten sir.

I will always come back to your book

I will always come back to your eyes

I will always come back to your face

Your thoughts

Your questions

Your answers

Your stories

And your presence that I hold inside me like whiffs of smoke candles give off

Leave it alone

At every turn you were perfect,

At the very turn I was broken.

At every turn I lost myself,

I found you.

You were always there and I was always crazy,

angry, hurt, scared, anxious, jealous, all the bad

And you were there!

The good!

The kindly

The helpful,

What God do you follow?

I want to know him!

I want to know him!

I will follow that!

For the rest of my days.

Thank you.

I want to create my own reality

You are creating your reality

No, the one I want

You are creating the reality you want

You're not listening!

What am I not hearing?!

Your deep seated desire to control every synapsial reaction inside the heads of those you say you love?!

You say you love?!

You say you love?!

Tell me, how much do you love being controlled?!

Mom

It wasn't the fact that she is gone, it's the fact that she was.