Not that I had a problem

I love how almost anyone who has talked to me about a brief cessation in their alcohol intake (also commonly referred to as 'sobriety') has prefaced this obscenity with 'Not that I had a problem."

(in a sense a brief disclosure in this dialog must be made aware that the aforementioned phrase should be only said in ones head in as nasal kind of a way. And much of the following should as well. Reader's preference, of course.)

Oh dear.

Problems.

I hate to be the one to say this

I guess the bearer of bad news perchance to say ,perchance to express, perchance to dispel the egotistical logic of the moment

But!

OH! DID I HAVE A PROBLEM.

That problem is not so elegantly described as

and not so favorable referred to as

ALCHOLHOLISM.

So I did cease

from the alcohol

OH!

(Until now (what delights!) of course!)

NOT BECAUSE I HAD A PROBLME OR ANHTING!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Yeh No

I did

I so did.

But because I wanted to like

Live.

To live.

Yeh

The Game

So you've found how to throw the ball without looking, very good

You've decide to reserve this token when needed most, good
Most people use them now
You've given up
You no longer care that this wall will limit your chances of future success
Because you're tired
Is that it?

Oh, you've started again because you realize it's just a game,

And there's at least that
You've noticed that even if you hit the target, you've missed,
Because you hitting the target happened outside our view point,
Because we did not see it happen,
You don't get credit

You've realized the complexity of the viewable action, versus the objectivity of the game.

Duplicity.

And no one cares.

And really, no one has time to.

But, when will you discover the line?

Fear

I'd purge, if I felt there was something viable to purge.

I'd cry, if I saw the end of tears.

I'd scratch off my face, if it ended this pain.

I'd kill my own self,

If it only killed the 'self' that feels this way.

If it made sure that version,

That weak, mutable self that I became in your eyes,

Was finally lost into some forest I lead it into, 

As if some wicked, wanton, ill gotten pet.

We deal as we deal
Form what we had to deal with
As we were dealing with 
What we'd been dealing with 
And throughout it all
Oh, so oddly enough, 
We are in fact dealing
While our minds are screaming
"You're not dealing!" 
But aren't we?

 

 

That singular part of me that will die before it gives up on you, involuntarily moves the rest of me.

You, of course, being the law I broke out of my own book of rules. 

You can't help her

You can't help the person I turn into out of rage, anger, lust, envy, jealous, 

unease whose unhealed and triggered.

You can only help the listening ear that laps at the shore of healing.

Do you hate the broken bits of her you also possess?

Aliens in trees guy

I've never stopped thinking about you.

Just that.

Love me, hate me,

Have an unnaturally vivid unhealthy thought pattern concerning the mere mention of my name.

But you, Sir,

Have never left my mind.
After so many people who have dinged that doorbell to enter my store keep!

So many draws they've unnecessarily pulled open and rooted around and looked through inside me

To help them prove their own points

To help them navigate their own delusional paths

To help them feel better about their 'better' lives

To help them heal

To help them learn

To help them just continue on the same path they were going.

But you, sir, opened all the draws

And just looked.

And saw.

And asked questions.

And looked at me

And wanted to learn.

Not specifically for an agenda of yours

But for the sake of learning 

For the sake of the gestational existential period of time we shared briefly  inside of this mediocre land of strife and pain 

we called life

You wanted to learn what I have learned and seen what I have seen for the very sake of seeing it too and somehow 

learning.

So no, you're not forgotten sir.

I will always come back to your book

I will always come back to your eyes

I will always come back to your face

Your thoughts

Your questions

Your answers

Your stories

And your presence that I hold inside me like whiffs of smoke candles give off

Leave it alone

At every turn you were perfect,

At the very turn I was broken.

At every turn I lost myself,

I found you.

You were always there and I was always crazy,

angry, hurt, scared, anxious, jealous, all the bad

And you were there!

The good!

The kindly

The helpful,

What God do you follow?

I want to know him!

I want to know him!

I will follow that!

For the rest of my days.

Thank you.

I want to create my own reality

You are creating your reality

No, the one I want

You are creating the reality you want

You're not listening!

What am I not hearing?!

Your deep seated desire to control every synapsial reaction inside the heads of those you say you love?!

You say you love?!

You say you love?!

Tell me, how much do you love being controlled?!

Mom

It wasn't the fact that she is gone, it's the fact that she was.

Beholden

You're worth more than tears and breadcrumbs.

Logic: My literal job is to hopefully,  hopefully to help you avoid some seriously bad, future problems.

Heart and rest of body: F*** off.

Logic: Sounds about right!