Haunt

My mind just keeps going back to you.
Your close cropped hair,
Your mismatched puke green sweaters,
The bar stools,
The loft.
My mind just keeps going back to you.
The getting of your water bottle,
That led you to cross my path that morning.
Such a simple thing I observed,
That scared and thrilled me at the same time.
Just observing you
That tightened my stomach into knots they said were butterflies?
Yet, I knew deep down this wasn't how it should be.
There should be an air ship,
And a type writer
And an artist in her room.
Writing what will later be printed,
Sold.
Not a girl on her feet in a room looking at a man
Who will always haunt her and never want her.

Him Revisited

I love you,
And I still think about you
I remember a time when I thought to myself
"I haven't thought about him today, or yesterday."
It was at that moment that I became familiar with the idea
That you were not a daily thought for me
That time in my life had passed
It took ten years
But that time in my life had passed
I also remember very clearly  a dream I had of the two us
I'm still very keen when it comes to you being in my dreams
Even if it's a fleeting moment of you observing me on a couch, etc.
Anyways
This dream was of the two of us at a restaurant, high up on the hill
And maybe it's the somber like mood or the indie music I'm listening to
That makes me think of this dream
But you sat across from with an expression that can only say
"You're an adult now."
And that dream is the prelude I hope for this today
Because I loved you
And It's okay to let you go, maybe

I will be changing the domain name of this blog

New name to be posted soon.

Maybe I should have done more?

I cleared these hands out for you
I set my fists on fire
I let in high tide
I rid the world of the inability to love you
I set forth a bookcase full
Of the stories
That I wrote
So you'd be happy
And it wasn't enough
It wasn't enough
Because you are still not here.

{Author note: (ha, ha like I'm an author) I now know the ending to a lot of these poems put in draft mode and also why they are put in draft mode.)

Dear who think I'm dumb:

When I'm talented and at least a little in the same relation of those you consume for entertainment;

You are truly eating off my dinner plate and Sh***** all over me.

he loved me
Maybe so
That's the truth
And I'll stick to that
I don't have time for much
But I have time for that

I sat there in silence but the hum of an electric light bulb. I thought, this must be what going to prison feels like. A period of time wrapped in silence overseen by an irrelevant observer.

It  seriously concern me that I've only connected with one person for the last eleven years, and the rest just want to F#*$ me.

So you're name is ____

So, you're name is ____
So, have you already cried today?
Yes
Have you already thought about all (I mean all, ____ )
of the people who have left you, today?
Yes
Have you thought about just giving up at least enough times to have lost count, before even noon?
Yes
Have you gotten the mail?
Cleaned the mirror?
Picked up the trash?
Done the Laundry?
Showered?
Taken out the dog?
Fed yourself?
And made coffee?
Yes
All while contemplating a complete mental breakdown?
And still loving him?
Yes.

I use to be the good witch of the west. Now I'm just one of the flying monkeys.

Tell them with your actions that you accept them
Tell them with their words that you don't judge them
No matter how many rolls of fat extrude their pants
No matter how many times you have to say it over and over
No mater how many things they know or don't know
No mater how they're dressed
What language they speak
Or don't speak
Tell them you know what they need
Even if you don't
Take the time
When you don't have it
Even if you do have it
Don't judge them if they see right through you
Treat them like anyone else
Even if they have a hole in their throat
A claw for an arm
A wheel chair for legs
A shake for a move of the hands
DO NO JUDGE
DO NOT STARE
Treat them like you know what you're doing
Because they think,
Like we all think
They know what they're doing
Because even if you don't have to be they way they are
Know that someday you could
And if you have been
Where they are
DON'T JUDGE
Because that was you once

MY DOG JUDGES ME SO HARD.

I just want what everyone else has

And I don't thing that costs a lot of money
I don't think I'd have to be a lottery winner
I just want a house
Stability
Something with wallpaper
And a window seat
Somewhere where I'm not afraid of illness
Somewhere were I can see a doctor for just a cold
I just want what everyone else has
Because it looks like whatever one else has
is peace

Everyone hates you, ____ just smile.

The point is that I could do all this to my body,
Just not do anything at all.
Just live exactly as I see fit
I could in fact
Just not give a
Then just live
Take every right given to the max of the human knowledge
And abuse the rights  given from one human to another,
I could take this and that
Leave nothing,
Without remorse,
I could do all this, without a care.
Live and live and live until I die.
Or I could try
And fail
And be hated
And still have to smile
Still have to try
Still have to be patient,
Still have to be understood,
Still have to wait,
Still have to give,
Still have to trust,
Still have to talk it through,
Still have to show up on time,
Still have to pay all my debts,
Still have to leave a tip,
To shave,
Bath,
Brush my teeth,
Pick up after myself, even when no one is watching
Still have to be generous,
To be loving,
And still be hated
Or I could just do nothing
And be loved, falsely, maybe
Be ruthless
Die friendless
And be very, very, very much out of love with myself
Or I could just be hated
Be truly, truly be misunderstood
And have to smile anyways
Because there's nothing else to do when you're that hated
Which is where I'm at now

You can't keep running

You can't keep running just because this situation sucks.

But I like running.
I've become good at running.
I save to run.
I plan to run.
I write eloquent emails just so I can run in two weeks.
I make the best snap decisions in my life when I finally decide to run.
I love running.
Running feels so real, so nice, so happy, so complete, so now.
Running makes me so happy.

But running brought you here. You're not happy.

Don't you see? All I have to do is run again.