Smile

I listen to people and their lives everyday. And it gets to me. I think to myself far too often, are their lives becoming my lives? Is the state of their being threatening my own? It's strange, yes, but I think these very thoughts everyday. I sit and think to myself too often God!That's what life could be like? I hear the hurt, I hear the pain, I hear the suffering. And most importantly I hear the "I'm taking it"
And I think to myself, I'm not. I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it at all. I'm sitting in a room full of knives pointed at my head and I'm screaming. I'm absolutely going berserk. Whilst they walk up and down that room like it's just another Go*% #$%^ Tuesday.
What makes them so different than me? I'm suffering a divorce only.
I'm constantly having to remind myself I still have two feet. Two arms. Two legs. I have a working brain that functions--in a mediocre way--but functions. And yet I still sit in a sun lit room full of things I could be reading, watching, listening to and I'm crying! Why do I do this to myself? I look at two pictures of myself taken on the same day and I see one person smiling and other in direct agony. A griminess. A sneer. Coolness in her eyes.
Too often, lately, I've been thinking about the end. The final days. The finality of our days. We're going to die. I'm very sorry to bring in the bad news, of course you know, but these days be numbered.
I've lost two family members, in a short time period, to obesity and watched them both die--I didn't just get the memo, no, I was there, no telegraph needed, I was there to witness my next of kin pass on. And it killed me too, obviously. It killed me too. A very big part of me died. The part of me that said tomorrow and the next day is assured. no. You're assured this second. The second that you just breathed in and out and that's the only promise God, Buddha, Satan, Bob Marley is going to promise you today. So you take it or leave it. And I guess what I'm trying to say is I look a lot more attractive happier when I smile. When I choose to smile instead of fear.

To who may never read this

Thank you for the time we spent together. I liked what one guy had to say about us, after my repeated complaints at it not being enough.
"You're making something beautiful... out to be something ugly."
Because it was beautiful.
Thank you for steering me towards sincerity, honesty, humility as well as a sense of calm.
I cherish every moment that we had together, honestly  I do.
Thank you for keeping me on track.
I loved so many things about you. But, no, I did not love you. So don't freak.
No matter how little time we spent together, I will not forget you. I hope to remember us, you really, fondly after many years.
You're an honest man.
I honestly wish you the best.